Welcome to another edition of Game Randy: Dubious News, presenting you with the finest in exclusive, breaking stories that might be true but probably aren’t.

Tragedy struck today when a Nintendo press event turned deadly for six attendees.

Nintendo of America President and COO Reggie Fils-Aime hosted a small press conference Wednesay in Los Angeles in which he personally demonstrated unreleased Nintendo software products to a handful of reporters.

Fils-Aime has gained great notoriety since his appointment as NOA President in 2004.  His bold declarations of intent and audacious marketing strategies are seen as representative of the new, maturing face of Nintendo.  Furthermore, his greatly pronounced muscle structure and chiseled build has led many to question why a human behemoth such as himself would take seat in the plodding bureaucracy of an electronic game company.

The event went without incident for nearly an hour until what investigators speculate was a “bit of dust” apparently “caught his nose just right.”  This alleged irritation or a similar factor nonetheless resulted in the explosive reflex.

“It was one hell of a sneeze,” said forensic investigator Kathryn Anderson.  “These past few years of being stifled in the slothly processes of entertainment-sector economics created a surplus of pent-up Reggiramamine in the Manliness Center of his brain.”  A computer-animated recreation was used to crudely illustrate the resulting shockwave.

“This sneeze simply caused a natural expulsion of Reggie Rage,” Anderson continued.  “Those caught in the blast didn’t have a chance.  It’s terribly unfortunate that there were bystanders present, but it really couldn’t be avoided.”

Nintendo has publicly expressed condolences towards the families of the victims.  Special care was taken to remind them that their loved ones’ deaths were not in vain, as they were truly courageous sacrifices in the name of the Glorious Reggielution.

The six journalists in the immediate blast area were killed instantly and are not yet identifiable.  Initial reports estimate that at least a dozen nearby victims have suffered kicked asses, and paramedics have confirmed that as many as four victims have had their names taken.

Welcome to another edition of Game Randy: Dubious News, presenting you with the finest in exclusive, breaking stories that might be true but probably aren’t.

Nintendo General Design Manager Shigeru Miyamoto announced last week his mid-term goal of beheading Sony and taking its women.  The Zelda creator announced Thursday that his enemies’ fates “have long been sealed” and that the punishment and torment that awaits them is both “swift and divine.”

“The very least I will take is their heads,” Miyamoto said of Sony in an interview with Famitsu over the weekend.  “From their bloodied and worthless countenances I will have claimed their dignity, and from their crippled barbarian dwellings, so too shall I claim their women.”  Miyamoto pantomimed swinging a sword, laughing lightheartedly, and made a sort of ‘scary-face.’

As reported, Miyamoto led his interviewer through a torch-lit walkway meticulously hewn from the local stratum, gesturing comically at many of the attractions.  In a sort of paternal expression, he put his arm around a classic Donkey Kong cabinet and patted it lightly.  Also on display was the gold-finished original Zelda cartridge, an enshrined beta copy of Super Mario 64, and a severed human foot in a mason jar marked by a dymo label reading “Ken Kutaragi.”

“I should hope the fool is grateful I only got away with this much.”  He held the blood-spattered container alongside his own head, and commented, “When next we cross paths, I will need a bigger jar!  Ha ha ha!”  He then set the jar back on its undignified dusty shelf, laughing heartily with both the dignity of a contemporary genius and the enthusiasm of an exuberant child.

Despite his candor, the designer was tight-lipped about his upcoming projects, only illustrating small aspects of development and creative processes.  “As you may recall, my interest in gardening in recent years served as the inspiration for Pikmin, in which the game conveys that attachment for the things you ‘grow’ and take pride in.  Super Mario Sunshine took classic principles of platforming adventure along with a child-like appreciation of water as both a tool and a plaything.  Now, with the Wii Remote, I have the opportunity to create all new ways of interacting with the subjects of my games.  I’m hoping to use the controller speaker, rumble, and motion tracking to full effect and faithfully reproduce the joy and immersion I found in killing a man just to watch him die.  You’ll find it is an amazing experience.”

On the subject of Nintendo versus its competitors, Miyamoto was outspoken and adamant about their place in the industry.  “It is not accurate to say we are competing.  While we seek to enrich and uplift a person with our arts, Sony’s soulless minions simply mine the medium for profit.  They chase out and drag back the same ideas and titles, like a dog fetching a stick.”  He chuckled and made an exaggerated pawing gesture and barking sound, adding, “How fitting, too, that they live like dogs.  Soon, they will die like them.”  Laughing, he made a prancing movement and a sad howling sound, then drove a jewel-encrusted dagger through his own hand for effect.

When asked his opinion on the recent turbulence in Sony structure, including the demotion of former President Ken Kutaragi, the father of Mario shared a last friendly guffaw; “Wherever Ken stepped down to, I hope it is ground-floor,” he said.  “Fucker’s not so good with stairs no more.”

I actually took a call yesterday at GameStop from a person terribly worried that we wouldn't be getting any Wiis before Christmas, what with the recall and all.

Oh my.  I forgot about the recall.

As reported by the Associated Press, Nintendo is effectively ‘recalling’ 3.2 million Wiimote straps. 

More than three million units recalled!  Three million units... months of production... the entirety of these devices... are defective? 

Well, no.  They aren’t defective.  They’re only barely ‘recalled.’  Nintendo is offering free replacements for these straps.  Out of 3,200,000 little cloth strappy-things, more than 3,190,000 are more than likely just fine and will remain that way even if they are never replaced.

This isn’t a recall.  It’s a semi-convenient faux-admission of pseudo-guilt, and I’d say it's nothing short of hyphen-tastic.  There is no recall and there won’t be.  This is a fun mail-in offer where you can get a fun decorative grippy bit for your toys if you mail in your proofs-of-purchase.  The only difference between this and a cereal box prize offer is that this box of cornflakes is $250.

Of course, just like breakfast cereals, you’d have to be a moron or a psychopath to break your television with either one.

Nintendo is being incredibly gracious to the overblown outcries of a handful of greasy-fingered convulsors whose embarrassing spasms would make Michael J. Fox sigh in disdain. 

They’re so good, folks over there at the House of Miyamoto Ideas.  They’re so good they are playing right along with this explosive media lunacy without a second thought.  A decidedly unlikely problem and what is honestly a series of isolated incidents (and even some fake ones) has driven Nintendo to swallow its pride and act like it was wrong.

Put on your aluminum hats for a moment and think insane-conspiracy-style with me: A seemingly viral campaign of outlandish Wii-driven destruction. Who is the LAST entity you’d think capable of engineering such a convoluted and yet utterly brilliant plot?  Why, only the company responsible for the most embarrassing acts of viral-commercial-engineering seen in the last several years.  Sony’s almost made a point of appearing incapable of complicated PR schemes… perhaps too incapable… yes…

Sorry, my mind wandered.  Stop throwing wiimotes, you damn retards.  Christ.

This thrown-Wii-remote issue is a sticky one.

Or more accurately, an excessively lubricated one that would benefit from some adhesive functionalities.

Seriously, people, this has got to stop.  I posit the following towards you as evidence:



Rob has thrown a Wii remote.  “Wii is weak,” you say?  I propose an alternate hypothesis to a situation.  Wii is not weak.  Rob is fucking insane.  In a cartoon-ized game about gently swinging a tennis racket via a several-ounce plastic wand, Rob hurled this small piece of polymers and circuits like a goddamn shot put.  Watch this video.  Watch a situation in which a man would simply need to wave a device lightly overhead as if a French maid were dusting a ceiling fan, and watch that situation degenerate as his greased palm catapults his Wiimote from his body in a downright Yeageresque attempt at breaking the sound barrier with a plastic toy.

As this crisis reaches such epidemic levels that throwing one’s Wiimote is topic of its own newsblog, I have to ask myself this question: When so many people in so many places are suffering from the same catastrophic new disease, would it really be fair of me to admonish them for their own parts in these incidents?

Yes.  Yes, it is.  It is and I am.  You’re all stupid.  Quit it.

This ‘problem’ is absurd beyond absurd.  The publicity and hand-holding that results from a psycho throwing a $50 piece of merchandise at a $500* one is obscene.  With morons left and right getting attention and credibility as they blame Nintendo for their own lack of bodily controls, it’s a wonder we aren’t giving trophies and websites to peolpe who shit their pants and write to Old Navy about it.

There is already an abundance of phallic iconography to be associated with this vibrating plastic rod we use to play our new video games.  It isn’t helping our case that people are apparently lathering themselves up in Jergens before handling it. 

I don’t know what else to express here, people.  I have played Wii.  I have loved Wii.  I actually have logged in more hours in Tennis than most RPGs.  Despite the addictive nature of this very exciting and energetic pastime, I have not once suffered from any explosive episodes of spasmodic retardry that would force me to propel my Wiimote in any Goliath-slaying fashion.  No person in my presence has done so.  The greatest injuries I have witnessed consisted of a whack to the forehead during a zealous swing and a bruise to my thumb when my bowling swing clipped the cellphone in my pocket. 

Nintendo has been fast to respond, saying that people are getting a little ‘too excited’ as they play and furnishing the AU launch with mightier straps.  The well-oiled machine that is Nintendo’s PR is second only to the well-oiled and perhaps frictionless palms of its greasy-limbed detractors. 

If you have smashed home appliances with a greasily flung Wiimote, there is something wrong with you.  If you are looking forth right now towards a broken television screen with half a Wiimote sticking out of a gaping, cracked wound, I suggest you look a little closer.  Gaze into that broken television, and you will see the reflection of an idiot.

Welcome to another edition of Game Randy: Dubious News, presenting you with the finest in exclusive, breaking stories that might be true but probably aren’t.

As reported last week, Utah Representative David Hogue made a successful push to pass his sponsored bill regarding the sale of ‘Material Harmful to Minors.’  The outstanding factor in this proposal is the unique approach of defining and classifying the ‘harmful content’ of video games by the same standards and setups as pornography.  For this reasons, the media has dubbed this the “Games-as-Porn” bill.

“I very seriously think that we need to push this forward and find if we’re going to have a challenge or not and have the attorney general fight those battles,” said Hogue.  He went on to support his position, adding, “I know for a fact and can say without exaggeration or hyperbole that every single taxpayer in America knows that the luscious irony of Master Chief blasting an alien Covenant Elite with his allies’ own plasma rifle is precisely equal to Ron Jeremy nailing five bimbos at once, if not several hundred times worse.” 

Several days upon the approval of this bill, however, it was discovered that faulty wording within the bill radically changes its scope and application.  In what district clerks refer to as ‘a spectacularly unlikely string of coherent typos,’ the Utah bill effectively forces video games to subject to the same standards and judgments of certain departments of agriculture.  Specifically, all entertainment software is now managed and classified as corn.

Continue reading "Game Randy: Utah Clerical Error Results in Games-as-Corn Legislation"

I got down to GameStop at 6:45 a.m. sharp this morning. There was already a crowd of a dozen to 20 people waiting in a semi-organized line, talking among each other and checking their watches. I proceeded to walk right past the line and peereded right in through the door. I caught sight of the manager and tapped the glass.

It was at this moment that I realized it was dead silent all around me, as at least 14 people had ceased all conversation and were staring at me.

"I work here," I said.

Three little words. I do believe they saved my life. 

I had never worked a retail "Black Friday" before today; working in food and bakeries I was used to the less-mentioned Black Wednesday. It would astound you how many obscenities a human being can muster in the process of demanding an eleventh-hour pumpkin pie.

Now I am a GameStop employee, and have seen this eventful day up close.  With the rush over and finally being able to rest, I would like to inform you all of the general view of retail with the morning finally out of the way. While I am, of course, a GA writer, I am a paid GameStop employee and value (and certainly enjoy) my job; I have no intention of spilling corporate numbers or particulars, just some first-hand impressions from my bustling shop in mid-Michigan.

I'll cut right to the chase. In the blur of Blu-Ray, high-definition, motion control, and all the horrors of economics and technology that surround us, the winner of the next-gen console war shined through this morning. The overpowering, triumphant console of this season is clearly...

...the Nintendo DS.

Well, sorta. Honestly, people, DS Lites and DS games kept going at a very steady pace today. Despite all the specials and deals on regular consoles, the DS was on wishlist after wishlist. The little system is going very strong.

Budget-priced PS2 games did very respectably, as well as new slimline consoles. It's racing against the original Xbox to be the cheapest home console to still have support, and it seems to be doing well.

Xbox and Xbox 360 seemed unusually slow despite the rush. This seems inexplicable, especially in an area where 360 seems fairly commonplace. We see plenty of 360 owners around here, so I'm not sure what to say about this. Both systems seemed brushed aside from the wave of DS and PS2 customers.

Now, real next-gen. That's what people want to hear, yes?

Well, the obvious part is that any Wiis or PS3s in stock moved instantly. Duh. The real points of fascination are the murmurs afterward. We had consistently more customers, kids, and parents asking about the Wii throughout the day than the PS3. It was definitely the hotter topic. There were already more Wii hopefuls lining up than those hungry for PS3s, and Wii-hunters kept showing up throughout the course of the day.

Furthermore, people want nunchuks. Everybody wants nunchuks, and nobody can find them. This has been confirmed as a national trend.

Lastly, but most awesomely, several stores in my area received the finest object ever to grace this industry: The Reggie Shirt. We didn't get these for anything earlier, but we got a handful of them to give out with purchases of multiple new DS games. I don't know if those rules applied in other districts, but it seems that GameStops that didn't get these shirts for Wii launch may have them now. Ask! Ask, and sate your precious lust!

The Consumerist has commented on a YouTube video that just started making the rounds: A customer reserving a Wii console at a Virginia FYE store was told he had to buy a full bundle or his console reservation was useless. Angry with these antics (and the questionable legality of it), he made a low-fi YouTube video of protest.

"I would be REQUIRED to buy a bundle for $400. There was never any mention of this back in June," the video explains.

When he received a phone call earlier in the week reminding him that Wii launch was proceeding on schedule, it mentioned the bundle arrangement.

"On November 17th, I visited the FYE to find out exactly what this 'bundle' was. With the bundle, you had to buy two games. Fair enough, I was going to buy Zelda and Excitetruck anyway. I was told that Zelda and Excitetruck weren't going to be available on launch day."

The fascinating arrangement didn't end there.

"Also, I'd be REQUIRED to buy a $25 FYE discount card. I cancelled my preorder. I was told by the manager, 'You're just one person, it won't make a difference.'"

He intends to take legal action, and claims he is contacting the State Attorney's Office.

If the situation he describes is true, this is definitely a case of bait-and-switch in business practice, and with a large chain like FYE and a big release like the Wii, there's a shot something might come of this. One thousand-plus Diggs so far can't hurt either.

Bundle deals can be useful, especially for parents and gift-shoppers looking for a big set. I remember a friend getting a particularly nice Dreamcast bundle for Christmas back in '99: VMU, extra controller, Sonic Adventure and Soul Calibur. That was a sweet-ass setup. This guy getting a Wii, two C-list titles, and an overpriced membership to something he dislikes anyways? Erm.

If you love the notion of flinging your arms around to play Rampage, then this is the deal for you. Otherwise this is your typical bundle bullshit, with a few extra bits of jerkage. This is poor form on this store's part, and if that manager said ANYTHING like that quote, there's going to be a fuss.

The YouTube video is here.  The fellow who made it is kind enough to list numbers for that manager and the extension for the district manager. Not that I'm advocating anything. Advocating things would be wrong. Getting that manager's input would be funny. Not that I'm advocating anything.

The Consumerist: FYE Bait and Switches Buyer, Gamer Calls for Boycott
Street cred to Kotaku for passing it along!

The Friday front page of the UK Times jumped on the anti-Rule of Rose bandwagon with the scare-rific headline of Violent children’s game investigated by Europe.

…Children’s game.  I see.  Because a game rated ages 17+ in the US and 16+ in the UK for violence and intensely disturbing imagery is totally meant for your UK-Times-readin’ youngin’s.  Because the photograph below the headline shows the innocuous and adorable visage of a terrified girl in a dank bathroom clutching a handgun.  That’s child’s play, right there. 

Beg pardon, UK Times, but your standards confound me.  If this is a "children's game," can I assume that if I strapped a Howitzer to Strawberry Shortcake’s forehead and had her blast her way out of hell to rescue her fellow marines, that would be rated "toddler/remedial"?  Is anything recreational with objectives and numbers and a visible light/color spectrum meant for children? 

We’re not even talking something that LOOKS safe for children, for God’s sake here.  That game is f’ing creepy.  I’m [arguably] a grown man, here.  That thing is dark and bloody and MEANT TO BE.  What are "children's movies?" Hell, UK Times, enlighten me about board games.  Those are all ‘games,’ so surely you can’t go wrong with any, yes?

Stay tuned next week, when the UK Times exposes questionable content found in the children’s game Chutes & Ladders & Sodomy.

From Kotaku: Rule of Rose Faces Opposition in Europe

Grand Theft Auto is a rock-solid cash cow for Take Two Interactive, and, obviously, other publishers are in a hurry to get on the bandwagon.  THQ has gotten onto the T2-style fast-track with their well-received GTA clone, Saint’s Row, and Microsoft is pushing to further emulate Rockstar’s publishers with the sandbox title Crackdown.

Activision is not one to be left out, however!  They’ve shrewdly bypassed the entire ‘video game’ aspect of the equation and are going straight for Take Two’s business model by being threatened with NASDAQ delisting just like the GTA publisher.

Activision, just like Take Two Interactive, has been slow to file its quarterly reports and is investigating its options as we speak. 

Apparently it isn’t a serious hazard at the moment.  Activision as a company is in good standing overall and is unlikely to really face delisting.  Take Two, always the bad boy, is not so fortunate.

Gamasutra: Activision Faces NASDAQ Delisting Warning

Nintendo Canada is arming the press with some very… militantly-packaged Wiis.



If you look closely, you’ll notice that the Wii in this case uses .45 caliber ACP rounds.  The feeding ramp is polished to a mirror-sheen. The slide's been reinforced, and the interlock with the frame is tightened for added precision. The sight system is original, too. The thumb safety is extended to speed up Virtual Console downloads, and a long-type trigger with non-slip grooves gives it backwards-compatibility with GameCube titles.  Every piece of this console has been expertly crafted and customized.

Kotaku: A Wii For The Grassy Knoll

Welcome to another edition of Game Randy: Dubious News, presenting you with the finest in exclusive, breaking stories that might be true but probably aren’t.

Citing growing sales and success in their flagship NFL franchise even after altogether removing development and innovation, John Madden NFL series publisher Electronic Arts has announced that they will cut costs further by having John Madden stake out game retailers and personally rob you at gunpoint.

The Madden NFL series has been a staple of the EA corporation and console industry since the 1992 release of John Madden Football ’92 in 1992, released just one year before the landmark John Madden Football ’93 a year later in 1993.  Its total sales have surpassed 50,000,000 units in the US, and just over fifty million units worldwide.  Setting a precedent of proactive synergistic neo-lethargy, EA set itself steadfast to a doctrine of strict non-innovation since 2002.  This new marketing and distribution strategy intends to cut out distribution and marketing to maximize end-consumer relevance.

Continue reading "Game Randy: EA Announces Direct-Market Strategy for Madden 08"

Best headline ever.  Thank God there's no limit on that box.  You can't make this stuff up, people. 

Don't mistake this for another funny bit of fake news like my last piece; Sony summoning demonic chipsets is fake news.  Jack Thompson is non-news.  The commonality therein is that they are both spasmodically hilarious. 

That's right, folks, I came back from a couple days 'away from keyboard,' as the kids call it, to find this shimmering nugget emerging from my inbox.  My day sparkled with joy from moment my eyes met the return address, and I was giddy as a little girl by the time I finished the last words.

Come, gentle reader, and enjoy it with me.


Dear George:

I read your rather bizarre letter in Electronic Gaming Monthly.  I guess you computer types don't think we lawyers can read.

Couple of things you got wrong, Ace:
1.  I never said you "were employed by Take-Two Interactive."  Never said it, never wrote it, because I never thought it.  You've got 15 days, under Florida law, to produce to me, by return email, the letter in which I said you "were employed by Take-Two" or I'll take legal action against you.  Check out Florida law on that, if you can read a statute book.

2.  You did not want a humane exchange.  You wanted to mock me.  That was what the flowers were for, and even Electronic Gaming Monthly figured it out.  How is it that you are the only one who "got it?"  The fact is, you thought this was some sort of joke.  Sorry, this issue is not a joke.  I've sat with families who are smaller in number because some gamer jerk like you became immersed in a very violent entertainment modality and it made an impact on him.

This stuff is not funny, George.  You don't get to define what my concerns are and belittle them with some stunt.

You've got 15 days.  Jack Thompson


Ooh!  Ad hominems!  I'll tell you, Jack, that stuff does still get a chuckle out of me, but it's really about time you retired your old material.  You can't keep banking laughs on nostalgia, no matter how classic it is.

So... I need to show you your own stupid press release, which I found thirteen seconds after I read this letter, and then send it back to you with a clutter of dictionary definitions, or else in fifteen days you'll crawl out of your well, through my television, and devour my soul? 

As soon as this stops being really funny, it'll start getting really old.  In fact, I think it's getting old already.  Go to the jump or the full article link to read my response.

Continue reading "Enraged Jack Thompson Writes Press Release, Forgets It, Sues Me Eight Months Later Over Letter in a Magazine From Five Weeks Ago That Refers To His Press Release From Eight Months Ago, Something About Florida Law, and the Precious Gift of Literacy"

Welcome to another edition of Game Randy: Dubious News, presenting you with the finest in exclusive, breaking stories that might be true but probably aren’t. 

Ken Kutaragi stunned, shocked, and generally worried the industry today with his announcement that, in the wake of the PlayStation 3’s launch fiascos, Sony is already designing the PlayStation 4 chipset to be produced in larger quantities for significantly less cost using high-efficiency rituals of demonic alchemy.

“The improved Infernal Engine processor will give the PlayStation 4 the capacity to render graphics so lifelike that normal viewers will be coerced into performing unspeakable deeds by expertly-rendered apparitions of their deceased friends and family,” Kutaragi explained.  “PS4 units will ship and sell at no loss to us, even at launch.  The process of manufacture, though damning the eternal souls of all those who witness it, is a fraction of the cost of the prohibitive and inefficient Blu-ray diodes and Cell processors of the PS3.  In fact, I’m not sure what the hell we were thinking with those.”

In a powerpoint presentation narrated by Kaz Hirai, it was explained how the chip-assembly process makes optimum use of the bonded souls of lost children to fabricate its high-speed architecture.  “The processor itself is ethereally bound to that incomprehensible darkness that lurks within us all,” expounded Hirai.  “Materials cost is reduced from the previous array of silicon, copper, and assembly line whatnot by manufacturing directly from a hellish forge hewn from tainted marble by chisels of defiled bones.” 

Gesturing to a complicated diagram connecting Dante’s various levels of Hell to startup routines, Hirai continued, “It is only once the console is activated that the user will truly begin to ‘pay the price,’ as it were,” he said, laughing somewhat jovially, “The intangible ectoplasmic talons of the PS4 chipset will immediately begin to burrow into the immortal soul of whatever condemned fool that dared to touch it.  There they will coil deeper and deeper, sealing the consumer’s eternal fate for massive damage.  Only on the day of the product end-user’s divine judgement will their folly be apparent.  Woe unto ye players, for thy greatest sin this will truly be.”

“All launch titles will be 1080p compatible,” Kutaragi added.

…and by ‘shocking’ I mean ‘really reasonable and intelligent.’  Yeah, it surprised me too.  Forgoing the usual stance of “damn kids these days, playing their crazy videos, their evil games, listening to their satanic rap, and walking heretically on my lawn,” Harper’s Magazine formed a roundtable discussion with the notion of “video games are a major part of young peoples’ lives, and there are a variety of effects to observe regarding education and literacy.”

Despite the ominous title, the September article “Grand Theft Education: Literacy in the age of video games” is very informed and thoughtful.  Featuring a schoolteacher, a designer from Sony Online Entertainment, the author of Everything Bad is Good For You, and two Harper’s editors, the nine-page article touches on a number of topics relating to what lessons and concepts video games teach young minds.  Despite being the press minefield that the topic usually is, they handle it well and the discussion is well worth your time.

More info after the jump...

Continue reading "Harpers Magazine Takes Shocking Stance on Video Games"

I’d like to focus inward a bit for this edition of the Pixelante Nationalist. Not introspection and personal revelation, oh God no. I mean industry internal politics. And by that I mean I have to get some elucidating commentary out of my system and into yours.

 

In the wake of Sony’s enlightening “we have no idea what the hell we’re doing” announcement last week, Nintendo stepped up to a few major news sites to say that they had some exciting news of their own. This news was hush-hush until exactly 12:01 am Thursday morning, when they finally and officially dropped this bombshell:

 

“Everything is on schedule. Nintendo is very happy.”

 

Stop the presses. Jesus Christ. Nintendo? Schedule? Happy? Very?

 

On?! Good lord, on?

 

I ask you, Nintendo, how in the hell I’m supposed to get any sleep with this revelation weighing so heavily on my shoulders...

Continue reading "Wii60, and That Shiny, Nintendo-Promoting Beacon That We Call Sony"

Hello again, Video-Gaming enthusiasts!  George here with yet another upbeat nugget of Sony goodness as we all tremble with excitement for the imminent release of the future of gaming, the Playstation Three.

In a shockingly clever move, Warner Home Video last month dropped the price of their UMD movies in Japan to 980 yen (approx $8.50), resulting in a staggering 900% increase over the previous month’s sales.  That’s right, they moved ten times as many UMD movies after this price cut. 

And lo, another triumph for the UMD format has graced us!  As I have only my mortal tears to protect me from its radiance, I must sadly avert my gaze somewhat from this divine word.  With this mathematical juggernaut of sales supporting this medium, surely the golden age we Sony fans have long envisioned is finally upon us.

In this neo-utopia of high-mobility next-generation data formats, owners of less expensive, more compatible formats will be forced into a coliseum where, in the vein of Hades’ own Cerberus, a three-headed Kaz Hirai will viciously sodomize them with Betamax cassettes in an inexplicable melee that can only be loosely described as some kind of bloodthirsty Macarena.  

Continue reading "Japan UMD Sales Increase Tenfold! Truly, Everything is Coming Up Sony"

Well, E3 has undeniably come and gone.  There isn’t much to say about it that you haven’t already heard.  The key words are still echoing in the hearts and minds of the gaming republic.

Halo 3.

GTA4.

MGS4.

Spore.

PS3.

Ridge Racer.

Riiiiiiiiidddddge Racerrrrr.

You’ve all been beaten over the head with the big titles a thousand times, and I’m not keen on being one thousand one.  There is nothing new to tell you about the PS3.  Halo 3 is just as enigmatic today as it was yesterday, and likely will be tomorrow.  As for Ridge Racer, well, it’s Ridge Racer.  Ridge… yes.  Racer.  Yes.  It is.  Still.

Quite simply, the big names are flooding the netwaves and there are lots of cool developments and notions from E3 that people simply Aren’t Talking Enough About.  Big, small, tangible or intangible, there are some groovy things that you probably only heard about if you were on the show floor yourself.

It is with this in mind that I give you part one of a brief series I’ve concisely titled ‘Things You Should Be More Excited About.’  Other suitable names are ‘Stuff You Should Be Interested In,’ ‘In E3’s Shadow,’ and ‘My Use Of The Shift Key Is Questionable.’

Today I’ll start simple and stay simple.  Kentia Hall is an infamous bastion of accessories, doohickeys, and doodads that are clearly borne of shrewd thinking and clever inspiration.  Furthermore, a vast majority of it seems to be watered down and rendered dysfunctional by the time it hits the Hall.

What people overlook, though, is that LOTS of cool little things come out of cool little companies and some of them are worth hitting it big.  Today I want to show you three small companies that are taking traditionally hit-or-miss accessories and doing them RIGHT.

Continue reading "Things You Should Be More Excited About, Part One"

Does the State of Louisiana hate gamers?

There are two schools of thought on this; the first answer is a "Yes" with an S.

The second answer is a "Yes" with a long-winded explanation.

...you can see where this is going.

Over the last many weeks, this state in particular has gone leaps and bounds past the competition in the race for ultimate game-legislating blunders, much to the bewilderment of non-residents and the aggravated disdain of taxpaying editorialists.  

I find it all morbidly entertaining, perhaps even deserving of an acerbic narrative; In a state ravaged by natural disaster and controversy, only a few chosen men had the courage to stand up and do something about those damned evil video games.

This is their story.

Continue reading "Louisiana legislature puts the 'Stupid' back in 'Stupid Louisiana Legislature'"

I recently inquired to an industry journalist about Jack Thompson's legendary Harassment Suit against the Florida Bar Association.

As I am certain you all know perfectly well (in fantastic detail,) Jack Thompson announced at the beginning of March that he was filing suit against the Florida Bar Association.  Jack's deadly rage towards his professional leaders has been known for quite some time; his site TheFlaBar.org, a stunning paragon of cutting-edge web design, has thrust his conspiracy theories into the blogosphere for all to absorb.

According to Jack, the Florida Bar, keepers of all of the state's lawyers, is in the pocket of that illuminati-like organization... The Porn Industry.  In his brave quest to slay the triplet dragons of obscenity, perversion, and relevance, Jack has accumulated quite a few complaints against him.  Jack calls these various filed complaints 'baseless,' and that the Bar's investigation of their validity is gratuitous 'harassment' of him.

A million dollars' worth of harassment of him.

That's right, the very investigation of these complaints, per regular procedure, was a million-dollar example of professional harassment in Jack's eyes.  Mind you, that was his word for receiving flowers and a letter, too.

Undertaking this battle was big, big news for Jack.  Apparently his voluntary withdrawal of the suit is not.  Details below..

Continue reading "Jack Thompson VERY QUIETLY Withdraws Million-Dollar Anti-Bar-Association Suit"

Things have been very, very busy, but I have seen a lot and have gotten impressions on a lot of new titles. There's a lot to say about what I've gotten to so far, so I'm going to address it in much the same way that I saw it. I've tackled all of South Hall and a lot of West and Kentia, and here's a roundup of things I found noteworthy or keen. Here are my impressions as I went through them on wednesday. Expect more to follow tomorrow, and onward.

Lots of grizzled opinions contained within!

Continue reading "George's E3 Journals, Wednesday"

George here, checking in; as a person who never moves, travels, or thinks too far outside of my happy little living space, getting out here has been fascinating. Either ways, we have almost all gathered together now here on the other side of the country and are preparing to suck up the news. What's made it through so far has been mind-boggling. Sony's announced price margin is something we haven't seen the likes of since the $399 Saturn launch. ...and we all know how well THAT went.

Continue reading "Sony Sanshiro?"

In all the debates and hyperbole over our favorite questionable contents, a sort of primordial question behind all of it is going entirely unaddressed.

'Games as art' is a subject that simply doesn't come up enough. This is a disappointment to me, not only because it's a critical question to ask, but because it is an open door to discussion of the most artistic and brilliant games of the past decade.

The same people who hated it when their parents equated rock and roll to empty noise are now insisting that Shadow of the Colossus is nothing but Pong with a sword.

Continue reading "Citizen Game"

by George Ettinger

Thursday was a vertex of far too many coincidences for my tastes.

Thursday was, as many are aware, the anniversary of the Columbine shooting, both a tragedy and a huge turning point for the 'video games are making kids evil' conspiracy. 

Also on Thursday, news broke that five boys in a Kansas high school were arrested for planning a copycat attack on their school.  The very first AP article about it didn't hesitate to throw in this blurb:

"(Cherokee County Sheriff Steve) Norman also mentioned bullying and said investigators had learned the suspects liked violent video games."

I had found out the Tuesday before this that the weekly staff meeting for Flint independent newspaper The Uncommon Sense, which I do minor work at, was postponed to Thursday so that a guest speaker could visit.  It wasn't until I was on my way to the meeting itself that I found out it was Michael Moore, back in Flint-town only briefly and stopping to say hi to the group.

Like his politics or not (and I'll admit, I'm not a huge fan,) he's a very smart, and very friendly man, and I enjoyed listening to him.  Being [very] minor staff, I didn't get much a chance to talk to him personally, but I did post one small question when I had the chance;


One of the biggest factors to arise in the post-Columbine hysteria was the violent video games panic.  In Bowling for Columbine, you didn't speak about any of those notions.

There was nothing to say about it.

You didn't think that it was worth mentioning?

There wasn't a real issue there, that's just it.  There's nothing to the idea at all, it's just panic.  That whole angle is overblown.


Not quite an interview, is it?  But I got to throw that idea out there before he had to leave, and it's pretty clear he sees video games as a nonissue; how kids like these lived their lives and where they got access to those weapons are always the REAL questions to be asking.

Even as somebody who didn't like Bowling For Columbine (but Roger and Me is worth a watch, people,) I found him to be a very sincere and down-to-earth person.  Realistically, he had little interest in the very subject of video games and youth violence, and why should he?  There are many more serious questions to ask about tragedies like this.

His film interviewed Marilyn Manson for comments on the cancellation of his concert in the Littleton area after the shooting, and his stance there was the same; hysteria is forcing people's eyes off of the perpetrators, the criminals themselves, and onto inanimate objects of moral panic.

Like I said, like him or not, his head is in the right place about this matter.

It's a popular trend among politicians, angry parents, bored news anchors, and bionically-enhanced super-intelligent mecha-chimps with a concern for human society's welfare to bash The Video Game, not only for its content but as a medium itself.

Similarly popular is the trend among gamers to pour their time, thought, and resources into responding like a total nitwit idiot spaz.

Continue reading "Gamers can be idiots too."

I'm going to confess that I still pick up a copy of Electronic Gaming Monthly every other month or so. As video game press goes, the print magazines are kind of fun, and they're great for finding release dates and game reviews.

...and that seems to be it. I still wonder why they're afraid to delve into deeper content, or at least shove some political reality onto their readers.

Maybe their readers aren't ready for it; I can't count the number of reader letters I've seen printed in which some purchase-frenzied gamer rants righteously about what HE defines as a 'hardcore gamer,' and usually conclude that they are in fact the hardest of cored gamers.

"Hardcore." Generally, the word carries a somewhat childish connotation, an implication of some rockin' hand-gesture-thing and some sweet-ass guitar licks to accompany its hormonal and distinctly male enunciation. This image, as totally radical as it is, still isn't really the kind of notion we associate with the best and brightest in this industry. I think the genuinely 'hardcore,' if they exist, are much more elusive.

Maybe it's time I wrote my very own whining piece about the mysterious 'hardcore gamer.'

Continue reading "Of Things Hardcore"

There are plenty of games rated "M" for mature. "A" for Adult Only. Et cetera.

"Mature," as far as media is concerned, continues to stand for boobs, fart jokes, excessive bass output, and boobs.

I easily appreciate all of those things, but I don't think that appreciation started anywhere near the onset of maturity. It was present long, long before that.

Where is this definition coming from? Since when are the basest, most distinctly juvenile lowest-common-denominators the basis of maturity?

Continue reading "In Search of 'Mature Audiences'"

I helped start something utterly, utterly bizarre.

Alyson and I sent ten bouquets of lovely flowers to Jack Thompson,
coinciding with a seven-page, thinktank-assembled letter, along with
ten pages of signatures of the supporters who made it possible.

It was one hell of a week.

We had a strange message to it; the notion that we gamers are normal human
beings with senses of both humor and decency. Honesty and simplicity, with
that message in mind, went into making that letter.

We pulled together support, we gathered donations, we sent a hell of a lot
of flowers.

Continue reading "Where the Gamer Belongs."

George Ettinger - George@GamerAndy.com

In brief, I was co-founder of the Flowers For Jack project, the experiment to see if pretty things and properly-written letters would make Jack Thompson angry.  Apparently, they do.

I'm a scruffy, mediocre college student from Grand Blanc, Michigan, with an unhealthy obsession with America's anti-youth fear and bias. My constantly-shifting studies are hopping around writing, film editing, and currently electrical wiring. I'm a born-again health freak and am fighting to counteract the effects of my flash-in-the-pan FFJ popularity keeping me computer-bound for a week. Damn you, publicity, damn you.

Though its toned down since my Film Student days, I'm still a movie nut. I won't attempt to list examples here, but my dvd shelf is probably near its weight limit.

Despite the accusedly pompous nature of how I write and what I write about, I'm a gamer, plain and simple, through-and-through. Thought not a fanboy to any particular console, my PS2 gets a lot more attention than anything else.

All-time Favorite Games:
A) I am a slave to all things Metal Gear. I keep buying each volume, each reiteration, I wrote a horribly lengthy series plot guide for gameFAQs, and my first (but hopefully not last) tattoo speaks volumes for my MGS addiction. MGS, I feel, is the future of captivating interactive cinema, and the story it tells can affect you on far too many levels.

B) I will buy whatever Free Radical Design puts out there. Not just for the quality, but because they need the sales if they ever want to reach mainstream :( Timesplitters 3 is multi AND single-player God (sadly not so on PS2 online, though) and Second Sight is an absolutely brilliant, inspired, and underrated. Best twist ever.

C) Xenogears owned ages 12-16 of my life. I still have a large place for it in my heart.

D) I can't help but love the Resident Evil series.

E) Sonic 3 & Knuckles, the ultimate Sonic game.  Lock-on Sonic and Knuckles to Sonic 3 to form this grammatically-bizarre ubergame.  I was a Sonic fanboy growing up, and am now a certified Sonic Team Hater. Maybe next-gen will change my opinion...

POST-E3 CORRECTION: Next-Gen Sonic has in fact reinforced my opinion.  Sonic is dead.  Utterly, miserably, fond-childhood-memories-crushingly dead.

F) Skies of Arcadia. Play it.

G) I never really cared about GTA, although Vice City was kinda fun... but San Andreas is one of the most amazing games I have ever played. I can't deny this.

First Gaming Memory:
Age 5, playing Sonic the Hedgehog at the house of some kid I can't remember. I had my share of NES experiences and all that, but playing Sonic 1 then and there, and getting my ass kicked by the special stage, made me want a console of my own. I grew up a Genesis man, through and through.

Favorite Genre:
I have no idea. I'm thinking about everything I've played just recently and third-person action/platforming kinda stands out. RE4, Prince of Persia, GTA:SA, Second Sight, Beyond Good & Evil, Wind Waker, etc. I don't know if that's a genre, but it fits.

Pet Peeve:
Irrational gamers, from threat-writing psychos to closed-minded fanboys. Fanboys, go to hell. All consoles have their benefits and flaws, and just because I gripe (often) about the 360 doesn't mean I'm a Sony fanboy. I want a Gamecube badly (here's hoping for next paycheck) and I really wouldn't mind an Xbox. But you two-dimensional, anti-everything-else tards are what's wrong with all creative industries.

Movies and games alike, I can't stand people who take polar opinions on ANYTHING. Life and opinion are all grey areas. Use your damn brain and make real decisions. Stupidity is not a shortcut, its still just stupidity.

Reason for Writing for GamerAndy.com
I rekindled my love of writing, and moreover gamer-oriented writing, thanks to the FFJ project, and Andy was there to back me up through it. He was kind enough to invite me here and I was smart enough to accept. I never took writing seriously until I realized it was words, not just actions, that were helping push FFJ along. Now I hope to see what kind of audience I'm really speaking to.

There. That's more than you ever wanted to know. I'm pretty new to GA but I'm enjoying it here. I hope to get past the overly-serious stages of getting my column on its feet and find a place for all the humor that I feel is inherent to gaming culture.

Pixelantes, unite.