Welcome to another edition of Game Randy: Dubious News, presenting you with the finest in exclusive, breaking stories that might be true but probably aren’t. 

Ken Kutaragi stunned, shocked, and generally worried the industry today with his announcement that, in the wake of the PlayStation 3’s launch fiascos, Sony is already designing the PlayStation 4 chipset to be produced in larger quantities for significantly less cost using high-efficiency rituals of demonic alchemy.

“The improved Infernal Engine processor will give the PlayStation 4 the capacity to render graphics so lifelike that normal viewers will be coerced into performing unspeakable deeds by expertly-rendered apparitions of their deceased friends and family,” Kutaragi explained.  “PS4 units will ship and sell at no loss to us, even at launch.  The process of manufacture, though damning the eternal souls of all those who witness it, is a fraction of the cost of the prohibitive and inefficient Blu-ray diodes and Cell processors of the PS3.  In fact, I’m not sure what the hell we were thinking with those.”

In a powerpoint presentation narrated by Kaz Hirai, it was explained how the chip-assembly process makes optimum use of the bonded souls of lost children to fabricate its high-speed architecture.  “The processor itself is ethereally bound to that incomprehensible darkness that lurks within us all,” expounded Hirai.  “Materials cost is reduced from the previous array of silicon, copper, and assembly line whatnot by manufacturing directly from a hellish forge hewn from tainted marble by chisels of defiled bones.” 

Gesturing to a complicated diagram connecting Dante’s various levels of Hell to startup routines, Hirai continued, “It is only once the console is activated that the user will truly begin to ‘pay the price,’ as it were,” he said, laughing somewhat jovially, “The intangible ectoplasmic talons of the PS4 chipset will immediately begin to burrow into the immortal soul of whatever condemned fool that dared to touch it.  There they will coil deeper and deeper, sealing the consumer’s eternal fate for massive damage.  Only on the day of the product end-user’s divine judgement will their folly be apparent.  Woe unto ye players, for thy greatest sin this will truly be.”

“All launch titles will be 1080p compatible,” Kutaragi added.