Welcome to another edition of Game Randy: Dubious News, presenting you with the finest in exclusive, breaking stories that might be true but probably aren’t.

As reported last week, Utah Representative David Hogue made a successful push to pass his sponsored bill regarding the sale of ‘Material Harmful to Minors.’  The outstanding factor in this proposal is the unique approach of defining and classifying the ‘harmful content’ of video games by the same standards and setups as pornography.  For this reasons, the media has dubbed this the “Games-as-Porn” bill.

“I very seriously think that we need to push this forward and find if we’re going to have a challenge or not and have the attorney general fight those battles,” said Hogue.  He went on to support his position, adding, “I know for a fact and can say without exaggeration or hyperbole that every single taxpayer in America knows that the luscious irony of Master Chief blasting an alien Covenant Elite with his allies’ own plasma rifle is precisely equal to Ron Jeremy nailing five bimbos at once, if not several hundred times worse.” 

Several days upon the approval of this bill, however, it was discovered that faulty wording within the bill radically changes its scope and application.  In what district clerks refer to as ‘a spectacularly unlikely string of coherent typos,’ the Utah bill effectively forces video games to subject to the same standards and judgments of certain departments of agriculture.  Specifically, all entertainment software is now managed and classified as corn.

The Utah Games-as-Corn bill has sweeping implications for the state of the industry.  Cleanliness of pressed discs and cartridges is now paramount, and crops of programmers are being swept for aphids and other pests. 

In a somewhat surprising move, the Electronic Software Association has officially declined to challenge the impending law.  Said ESA head Douglas Lowenstein, “This bill does not present a threat to our freedom of expression, nor does it unjustly threaten retailers.  We stand by this new commitment to the health and safety of our customers.  Also, subsidization totally rocks.  Like, awesome rocks.”  Lowenstein then pumped his fists and thrust his hips forward multiple times, and was heard to say “Booyah.”

While many developers have qualms with the weekly spraying of deadly insecticides across all personnel and equipment, some groups and publishers are embracing the new standards.  Electronic Arts has declared a renewed dedication to harvesting its annual Madden fields, and has purchased an average of 70% of the floor space at every Farmer’s Market in the state.

As the industry stands content with the new laws, they are expected to take effect without delay.  There is yet no word, however, on if or when FDA approval for the safe ingestion of Blu-Ray discs will be made.  UMDs and HD-DVDs have already failed clinical trials and were found to contain excessive unnatural polymers.

With these concerns, the future is still uncertain for video games, or, as the native Americans call them, maize.