Welcome to another edition of Game Randy: Dubious News, presenting you with the finest in exclusive, breaking stories that might be true but probably aren’t.

Nintendo General Design Manager Shigeru Miyamoto announced last week his mid-term goal of beheading Sony and taking its women.  The Zelda creator announced Thursday that his enemies’ fates “have long been sealed” and that the punishment and torment that awaits them is both “swift and divine.”

“The very least I will take is their heads,” Miyamoto said of Sony in an interview with Famitsu over the weekend.  “From their bloodied and worthless countenances I will have claimed their dignity, and from their crippled barbarian dwellings, so too shall I claim their women.”  Miyamoto pantomimed swinging a sword, laughing lightheartedly, and made a sort of ‘scary-face.’

As reported, Miyamoto led his interviewer through a torch-lit walkway meticulously hewn from the local stratum, gesturing comically at many of the attractions.  In a sort of paternal expression, he put his arm around a classic Donkey Kong cabinet and patted it lightly.  Also on display was the gold-finished original Zelda cartridge, an enshrined beta copy of Super Mario 64, and a severed human foot in a mason jar marked by a dymo label reading “Ken Kutaragi.”

“I should hope the fool is grateful I only got away with this much.”  He held the blood-spattered container alongside his own head, and commented, “When next we cross paths, I will need a bigger jar!  Ha ha ha!”  He then set the jar back on its undignified dusty shelf, laughing heartily with both the dignity of a contemporary genius and the enthusiasm of an exuberant child.

Despite his candor, the designer was tight-lipped about his upcoming projects, only illustrating small aspects of development and creative processes.  “As you may recall, my interest in gardening in recent years served as the inspiration for Pikmin, in which the game conveys that attachment for the things you ‘grow’ and take pride in.  Super Mario Sunshine took classic principles of platforming adventure along with a child-like appreciation of water as both a tool and a plaything.  Now, with the Wii Remote, I have the opportunity to create all new ways of interacting with the subjects of my games.  I’m hoping to use the controller speaker, rumble, and motion tracking to full effect and faithfully reproduce the joy and immersion I found in killing a man just to watch him die.  You’ll find it is an amazing experience.”

On the subject of Nintendo versus its competitors, Miyamoto was outspoken and adamant about their place in the industry.  “It is not accurate to say we are competing.  While we seek to enrich and uplift a person with our arts, Sony’s soulless minions simply mine the medium for profit.  They chase out and drag back the same ideas and titles, like a dog fetching a stick.”  He chuckled and made an exaggerated pawing gesture and barking sound, adding, “How fitting, too, that they live like dogs.  Soon, they will die like them.”  Laughing, he made a prancing movement and a sad howling sound, then drove a jewel-encrusted dagger through his own hand for effect.

When asked his opinion on the recent turbulence in Sony structure, including the demotion of former President Ken Kutaragi, the father of Mario shared a last friendly guffaw; “Wherever Ken stepped down to, I hope it is ground-floor,” he said.  “Fucker’s not so good with stairs no more.”