Hi folks, Cooper Hawkes here, what begins here is a "blog" of my time without my Xbox 360. Please keep a sense of humor when reading it and know that while parts are quite serious, others are very tongue-in-cheek.
 
I leave it to you to figure out which is which.
 
December 21st 2006:
 
"Gimmie a beat boys and free my soul, I wanna get lost in your Rock 'n Roll and drift away" – "Drift Away" - Doby Grey  (Not the crappy remake)
 
Music has picked up the slack for my gaming addiction. I hadn't realized it but even when I wasn't gaming, I was at least turning on the Xbox 360 to download some form of content or another, usually sneaking in a quick Arcade game or two. I'm finding that there are songs on my iPod I haven't listened to in some time, whose lyrics are suddenly strangely gaming relevant. It's probably just my mind playing tricks on me.
 
Today I took my Xbox 360 to work.

Packed in a CDW box with air bubbles, and the word FRAGILE written on every corner, I walked into the US Post Office at 9:40am and gave them $22.05 for registered mail with $400.00 insurance. Seven pounds and 8.4 ounces of joy is stamped "Priority Mail" and stacked with a bunch of other boxes. The post office gentleman has promised me that it'll be in Texas on December 26th. I guess I could have paid an additional $20 to have it there tomorrow, but with the Holidays next week I doubt it would speed along the repair process.

I put my hand on the box, and in a totally geek maneuver I say goodbye to my old friend. The post office gentleman has a slight giggle over that. Round 1 ends with a whimper from me as I walk from the Post office and back to work.
 
December 22nd 2006:

"Down in a hole, losing my soul. I'd like to fly, but my wings have been so denied." - "Down in a Hole"– Alice in Chains

I drove to work at 3:30 this morning to finish a European installation. My iPod blasting through the radio to a section of music I call: "The Softer Side" melancholy and emo shit mostly. Somewhere in a truck or a plane, is my Xbox 360, sitting in its cardboard and plastic tomb, wondering what's going on, why I'm not playing with her, and why she's in such a confined place when the instructions clearly say she needs ventilation.

Then in a deranged moment, some weird Ikea spokesman pops up in my minds eye and says: "You feel sorry for dis Xbox 360, that's because you are crazy!"

I start to wonder if Yack Lompson was right about video game addiction. I mean I wasn't gaming every day; I skipped days, sometimes as much as two weeks before I would actually sit down for a full fledged game. Sure I use the Nintendo DS, and some games of Suduko on my Palm pilot. But that's filler, a time waster, like taking a hit of acid when all you really want is to snort half a kilo of cocaine.

It's a means to an end, but deep down, you knew that the main source, the big hit was sitting at home, and you took comfort in that and you were able to stave off the more noxious signs of addiction. Now however I'm left with tiny blotters of acid and no major drug source at home. My big hit is out; the means to an end is not holding it together for me, because there's nothing left at home to give a more permanent fix.

At the end of the movie "Casino" directed by Martin Scorsese, after Robert DeNiro's character says: "And that's it." One of the saddest and mournful songs I've ever heard in my life started playing over the closing credits. I went to see that movie with my grandfather who passed not long after, he was a huge fan of Las Vegas and hated what it had become after the mob had been pushed out, and so the movie meant a lot to him.
 
I digress, the song was called: "Contempt" by Georges Delerue from the 1963 movie directed by Jean Luc Godard. In it you can hear the most amazing and sad sounding strings ever played by an orchestra. You can almost hear the notes as though they played opposing parts in a fight just before two lovers separate forever. I'm listening to that song right now, and I feel such aching, and longing. I have the iPod set to shuffle, and it follows it up with Alice in Chains' "Down in a Hole"
 
Snap out of it Hawkes!
 
December 23rd, 2006:
 
"Put a candle in the window, cause I feel I got to move, though I'm going, going, I'll be coming home soon, long as I can see the light." - "Long as I can See the Light" – Credence Clearwater Revival
 
Today I pulled out the DS. It's been a while since I was fulfilled with the Xbox 360, and I tend to get tempted to play the DS in front of my son, which my wife feels is a big no-no. Fired up some Mario Kart and was shocked at home much fun I was having. Now I wish I had hinted at Nintendo DS games for Christmas a bit more forcefully. No big, I play online with God knows who, and have a blast. The demon is satisfied for now, though a part of me invariably looks south-west. I can only assume that my box is in a corner surrounded by hundreds of other boxes going to Texas.
 
Once in Texas they will be sorted by final destination, and then delivered. (My opinion on how the United States Post Office runs, probably not the truth.) I read the forums on people excited about what is coming for Christmas, and even though I suspect the game I'm getting, I just can't get as excited about it as I was three days ago.
 
Come home soon my friend, I love my DS, but you are the one I miss above all.
 
December 24th, 2006:
 
"It replays each of the days, a hundred years of routines. Bows its head and preys to the mother of all machines." – "The Body Electric" – Rush
 
Cleaning, present wrapping, and pre-cooking, that's my Christmas Eve, I feel pretty giddy actually as my sons first real Christmas is this year. He understands the Santa deal and had a big kick out of leaving out Chocolate/Peppermint cookies and carrots. Its Sunday so there's no mail movement whatsoever. I'd like to think that currently my three-red-ringed box is sitting somewhere in Texas waiting to be sorted and shipped forward. Probably just my imagination of course. I feel pretty damn pathetic that I'm practically swooning for a piece of silicon and plastic, but here I am.
 
Since there really is no possible update, I'll just say Merry Christmas and move on.
 
December 25th, 2006:
 
"I just want you for my own, more then you could ever know. Make my wish come true, all I want for Christmas is you." – "All I Want For Christmas" – Mariah Carey
 
Now that you've cleaned your monitor of eggnog after seeing Hawkes quote Mariah Carey, allow me to explain:
 
The woman can sing. Yes, she's a ditz, yes her kitty has had more catnip then all of Rhode Island, but she can sing. And of all the Christmas related songs out there, this was the closest to describing my feelings.
 
Deal with it.
 
When you have a kid, Christmas becomes more for your kid then for you. My wife and I had to forgo presents to each other to be able to afford presents for our kid. Worked out for me, the item I wanted to get her was backordered. The rest of the family is tightening its budget as well, in a cost cutting move, we all picked names out of a hat. One present per adult from another adult. Works well for me since I have an Amazon wish list that is pretty much a "How to.." for buying presents for the Hawkes.
 
When the smoke clears, my only present this year is: "Viva Piñata" (Filled with fun? Filled with FUN!) Except it won't be filling my Xbox 360 with anything any time soon. My niece wants to play it, my brother in law wants to play it, hell, my WIFE wants to play it. I put it on top of my TV, and grab the wireless controller.
 
It doesn't work as well as I was hoping.
 
Once again: Merry Christmas.
 
December 26th, 2006.
 
"Oh simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on." – "Somewhere Only We Know" – Keane
 
According to the deal I made with the United States Postal Service, My Xbox 360 is in the hands of the repair company that Microsoft has sourced.
 
Countdown is now 4 weeks from today. "You should get it back three to four weeks after it arrives at the repair shop." January 24th, 2007. 3 days before I turn 38 years old.
 
I shudder to think that my 38th birthday present to myself will be a marathon session of "Viva Piñata".
 
I consider calling 1-800-4-MY-XBOX to get an update, when I realize just how stupid I will look when I say: "Yes, according to my calculations it should be there today, how is it?"
 
I make an easy fool of myself on the podcast, but I'm not about to advertise that to complete strangers.
 
I hope that I get the return receipt, saying that it has arrived safely. Although a part of me hopes it's lost, as a lost box nets me $400.00. I can replace it MUCH faster and add some games to it as well.
 
My Nintendo DS is begging for a break, I'm starting to wear out the colors on the A button. Never thought that would happen. My brain kick starts and gives me a suggestion that I'm pissed I didn't consider sooner.
 
I'm glad I didn't give away my old Xbox after all! Halo 2, here I come!
 
Well tomorrow at least.
 
December 27th, 2006:
 
"Woke up this morning, got myself a gun." – "Woke Up This Morning" – Alabama 3
 
After putting my boy down for a nap I honor the gods of video gaming by powering up the old Xbox and playing "Kung Fu Chaos" and "Halo". As I was about to get into an online match of "Halo 2" my son woke up. I realized that I preferred the Xbox 360 controller over the old Xbox. Once my son was up I was amazed at how clearly I was suddenly thinking, and how I was able to see the sunlight so much clearer, and how everything sounded like music.
 
Nah I'm fucking with ya. It felt good to get my gaming on, but it wasn't the sudden rush you get from that nice snort of cocaine which is the 360. It's amazing how last year I thought nothing could ever top the Xbox, now I feel as though I've taken a step back. Like I'm hitting crack and I'm about ready to become a strawberry in order to get my Xbox 360 back.
 
Stupid video games. I give in and call Microsoft, they have received my Xbox 360. She's safe in their hands. A part of me feels a bit better knowing it. I wonder if they will actually crack her open and try to fix her, or if they'll just put a check in a computer box, and simply ship me a pre-packaged refurbished unit.
 
Guess I'll know soon.
 
December 28th, 2006:
 
"This is a song about a whale. No! This is a song about being happy! That's right! It's the Happy Happy Joy Joy song!" – "Happy Happy Joy Joy" – Ren & Stimpy
 
As I once described, there is a reaction in comedy called "The Spit Take" where something happens that so shocks a character that whatever beverage they were drinking gets spat out in a foamy and comedic fashion.
 
Hilarity ensues.
 
I have discovered the evil opposite of "The Spit Take" I call it "The Pulp Take".
 
This is when you open you are drinking some nice freshly squeezed Orange Juice, and you open your e-mail and find this inside:
 
"Your Xbox Video Game system has been shipped!  You can expect to receive it in 2-5 days.  Thank you for your patience and get ready to get back into the action!  Your shipping information is provided below for your reference:            
        
Carrier Name: UPS        
Carrier Tracking Number: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX        
Shipment Date: 2006-12-20 21:50:44        
        
Note: This is not a monitored e-mail address."
 
I swallowed so fast I choked on the pulp for a moment, when trying to clear my throat some of the pulp shot up and dripped out of my nose.
 
I expect residuals from the next "American Pie" direct to DVD, as they will probably use it. Though knowing them they will use sperm or something.
 
But I digress.
 
Now then, while I was overjoyed and ecstatic and a bunch of other adjectives to describe "Happy", there was one part that bothered me:
 
"Shipment Date: 2006-12-20 21:50:44"
 
There's no way in hell they shipped on December 20th, or I would have had it by now. I checked the tracking number, it left approximately 2 hours after they received my box.
 
So, when they took my service order on December 20th, the place in Texas immediately boxed up a refurbished unit, and got it all set and ready for my old systems arrival, then shipped out the unit once they verified the packages content.
 
Yes it sounds efficient, but thanks for the crappy refurbished unit Microsoft. From the stories I've been hearing, the refurbs have almost as many problems as the original units. Let's hope I'm wrong.
 
Anyway, my new baby is coming home very soon. I hope she's friendly.
 
December 29th, 2006:
 
"The waiting, is the hardest part, every day you see one more card." – "The Waiting" – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
 
Current time: 6:30pm EST. UPS Site shows my new baby leaving the city of Louisville in Kentucky at about 5:43pm EST. Where it's going, I don't know.
 
I'm hoping to Boston, but probably be New York and then driven north. The only reason I suspect this is the details at top which read: "Your package is on time with a scheduled delivery date of 01/03/2007"
 
Exactly two weeks to the day that the 360 broke, not bad, but still not a good feeling that I'm getting a rebuilt unit. I may be wrong, it could have a very recent born on date, but somehow I doubt it. It wouldn't make good business sense to send out completely new units.
 
Think of it this way, if the rumors that each Xbox 360 Premium is getting Microsoft $75.00 in profit, which means they cost about, say $300 to produce. Where as it probably only costs $50.00 to maybe $75.00 to fix a broken unit. Throw in $20 to ship, and that's a much more cost efficient process.
 
I'll give you that one Microsoft, someday I will want an Xbox 720, 890, 1080p, whatever, so please stay in business!
 
Today I didn't even TOUCH the Xbox. Like a cheating husband who knows his wife is flying back, I don't have the courage to give my affair one last go around. I dread having the stink of my illicit act still stuck to me, giving my true love the chance to sniff it out within half a second of walking into the house.
 
The DS got a workout though, and I finally managed to unlock the last bits on Mario Kart. You're probably wondering why I don't consider the DS cheating. The DS is like a child, fun and all, but when you play checkers with a kid, you don't ALWAYS give it 100% of your efforts or you could beat the child each time, and then they won't play again.
 
God I sound like a fanboy. What can I say, I got the Xbox 360 first, if I had the PS3 and this issue, I would be the same damn way. One main system to rule them all so to speak.
 
December 30th, 2006:
 
"Oh come on, come on. Oh what a state I'm in. Oh come on, come on. Why won't it just sink in? Help is just around the corner, for us." – "Help is Round the Corner" – Coldplay
 
As of 10:44PM last night, my new Xbox 360 is sitting in Manchester New Hampshire.
 
That's approximately 40 miles from where I am typing this.
 
After completing Mario Kart, I loaned it to my niece who got herself a nice Pink DS for Christmas, and only a handful of games. She was liking the game so why not. She loved me for it. Love is so easily bought these days.
 
What me? Digress? Nah.
 
I considered my possibilities. I could run up to Manchester and maybe go all Sam Fisher or Solid Snake and try and break it out. I mean you can't really steal what belongs to you right?
 
Then I remember I'm a balding 37 year old male whose heart starts to palpitate just walking up the stairs. I shudder to think what would happen if I tried locking my legs around a pipe and then reach down for a guard to try and snap their neck.
 
The arrival date still shows as January 3rd. This is very discouraging to say the least, with only a 40 mile trip to go, at some point it's just going to sit somewhere because it's not SUPPOSED to arrive till the third.
 
Stupid people with their stupid minds, stupid stupid STUPID!
 
Ed Wood was a genius. Or he had a time machine and saw me typing this and brought it to the 50's for his opus "Plan 9 from Outer Space". Irrelevant where it's origin is, it fits the situation.
 
I consider calling UPS and asking if I can pick it up from the distribution center, but my son laughs at me on a daily basis, and frankly it's starting to get hurtful. I'm afraid if a strange voice based in India starts laughing at me, I may not feel sated until I blow up every call center in Asia.
 
Too much work for an Xbox 360. Besides the last thing I need is Tack Flompson showing my picture as "the face of what's wrong with video games" when I've spent the last year trying to be the Lester Bangs of video games.
 
I try playing the only remaining game I have for my DS, which is True Swing Golf. I think the game would be more aptly named "Watching a snail rape another snail" as there's really nothing at all positive about the game other than this morbid curiosity of wondering how the snail holds down the other snail.
 
The third of January is 4 days away. In a weird way I almost wish I DIDN'T know it was coming. I had "3 to 4 weeks" stuck in my head, and now that I know the 360 is on its way, it is as though time has reversed, and today is once again the day I shipped out the 360.
 
That initial withdrawal and desire for the hard hit is starting to return. My tongue is getting that tingly dry sensation. I look north of here, toward Manchester New Hampshire.
 
And I covet.
 
December 31st, 2006:
 
"In my time of dying, want nobody to mourn. All I want for you to do is take my body home." – "In My Time of Dying" – Led Zeppelin
 
1:23PM, Chelmsford MA is where my Xbox 360 is now waiting. No further updates available according to UPS.com.
 
It's agonizing.
 
From my job, I pass by Chelmsford every day on my way home. I'm not back at my job yet but just knowing how close it is.
 
Just knowing.
 
The gnawing feeling returns, I need my hit, I need it bad. I pull out the Xbox once again and begin my illicit affair anew.
 
"Halo 2", and some "Kung Fu Chaos". (Mostly because I can't play it on the 360 right now.) Fun stuff, good times. A good solid hit of something potent, but not too overbearing. I feel sated, at ease. Somewhat happy. But I look west of here, and I wonder if my new Xbox 360 will work immediately, or of I will have to return it almost as quickly.
 
In 4 hours it will be 2007. A new year with TONS of Xbox 360 games I want to play. Mass Effect, Crackdown, Assassins Creed, GRAW 2, Virtua Fighter 5, Lost Planet, Bioshock, Shadowrun, Battlestations:Midway, Grand Theft Auto 4, Stranglehold, and of course Halo 3.
 
Do I want a PS3? Maybe, but who the hell needs it, and who would have the time to play all the games!
 
Happy 2007 everyone, and to my new Xbox 360, please be well and come home soon!
 
January 1st, 2007:
 
"Everything you say to me, takes me one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to break." – "One Step Closer" – Linkin Park
 
It's still in Chelmsford. That stupid Ikea commercial is back in my head thinking about how lonely the poor box must be. I wonder if it's been cracked open and played by the guys at UPS. I'm sure they know an Xbox 360 repair job when they see it. Filthy animals, HANDS OFF MY XBOX!
 
My wife went to work, so I was home with my son. Not much gaming today as he decided not to nap. For the fun of it I check my 360voices for CooperHawkes. My "Xbox 360" is yelling at me for not playing it for the last two weeks. Acting like I've abandoned it and forgotten about it.
 
I haven't.. I miss you like crazy girl.
 
January 2nd, 2007:
 
"Today is the greatest, day I've ever known. Can't live for tomorrow, tomorrow's much too long. I burn my eyes out, before I get out." – "Today" – Smashing Pumpkins
 
At 2:59pm today, my new Xbox 360 arrived! Born on March 27th 2006.
 
I popped in "Viva Piñata", and it worked BEAUTIFULLY. Found myself attracting Whirlms and Sparrowmints very quickly. However I notice that my Live Arcade games (when not connected to Xbox Live) all show as Trial only. That sucks. I call 1-800-4-MY-XBOX and (Thanks to Bobby Blackwolf of AllGames.) I request a Points after repair to get the XBLM content usable offline and by other profiles.
 
Marion was very helpful, and got me in touch with a gentleman named Bill, who sets me up for a phone call later. It works like this: First they verify the purchases you made on your Gamertag, then they will call you with a redeem code. You will make a new Silver Account, use the redeem code to download the points on this silver account, and then you will RE-DOWNLOAD everything so that it's attached to your Serial #. Then you can play the games offline.
 
Stinky, but I understand why they did it. I'm still waiting on the phone call but it's a small and frankly easily fixed issue.
 
The night ends with my staring at my new Xbox 360 with a huge grin on my face. I put "Viva Piñata" back on, and after what seems like a blink of an eye, I am transported, I am sated, I have my hit and it's better than ever before.
 
I am Happy.
 
Now, if I can just figure out how to attract a second Fudgehog I'll be even happier!
 
Thanks for reading.
 
Semper Fi!