Welcome to another edition of Game Randy: Dubious News, presenting you with the finest in exclusive, breaking stories that might be true but probably aren’t.
Tragedy struck today when a Nintendo press event turned deadly for six attendees.
Nintendo of America President and COO Reggie Fils-Aime hosted a small press conference Wednesay in Los Angeles in which he personally demonstrated unreleased Nintendo software products to a handful of reporters.
Fils-Aime has gained great notoriety since his appointment as NOA President in 2004. His bold declarations of intent and audacious marketing strategies are seen as representative of the new, maturing face of Nintendo. Furthermore, his greatly pronounced muscle structure and chiseled build has led many to question why a human behemoth such as himself would take seat in the plodding bureaucracy of an electronic game company.
The event went without incident for nearly an hour until what investigators speculate was a “bit of dust” apparently “caught his nose just right.” This alleged irritation or a similar factor nonetheless resulted in the explosive reflex.
“It was one hell of a sneeze,” said forensic investigator Kathryn Anderson. “These past few years of being stifled in the slothly processes of entertainment-sector economics created a surplus of pent-up Reggiramamine in the Manliness Center of his brain.” A computer-animated recreation was used to crudely illustrate the resulting shockwave.
“This sneeze simply caused a natural expulsion of Reggie Rage,” Anderson continued. “Those caught in the blast didn’t have a chance. It’s terribly unfortunate that there were bystanders present, but it really couldn’t be avoided.”
Nintendo has publicly expressed condolences towards the families of the victims. Special care was taken to remind them that their loved ones’ deaths were not in vain, as they were truly courageous sacrifices in the name of the Glorious Reggielution.
The six journalists in the immediate blast area were killed instantly and are not yet identifiable. Initial reports estimate that at least a dozen nearby victims have suffered kicked asses, and paramedics have confirmed that as many as four victims have had their names taken.
Welcome to another edition of Game Randy: Dubious News, presenting you with the finest in exclusive, breaking stories that might be true but probably aren’t.
Nintendo General Design Manager Shigeru Miyamoto announced last week his mid-term goal of beheading Sony and taking its women. The Zelda creator announced Thursday that his enemies’ fates “have long been sealed” and that the punishment and torment that awaits them is both “swift and divine.”
“The very least I will take is their heads,” Miyamoto said of Sony in an interview with Famitsu over the weekend. “From their bloodied and worthless countenances I will have claimed their dignity, and from their crippled barbarian dwellings, so too shall I claim their women.” Miyamoto pantomimed swinging a sword, laughing lightheartedly, and made a sort of ‘scary-face.’
As reported, Miyamoto led his interviewer through a torch-lit walkway meticulously hewn from the local stratum, gesturing comically at many of the attractions. In a sort of paternal expression, he put his arm around a classic Donkey Kong cabinet and patted it lightly. Also on display was the gold-finished original Zelda cartridge, an enshrined beta copy of Super Mario 64, and a severed human foot in a mason jar marked by a dymo label reading “Ken Kutaragi.”
“I should hope the fool is grateful I only got away with this much.” He held the blood-spattered container alongside his own head, and commented, “When next we cross paths, I will need a bigger jar! Ha ha ha!” He then set the jar back on its undignified dusty shelf, laughing heartily with both the dignity of a contemporary genius and the enthusiasm of an exuberant child.
Despite his candor, the designer was tight-lipped about his upcoming projects, only illustrating small aspects of development and creative processes. “As you may recall, my interest in gardening in recent years served as the inspiration for Pikmin, in which the game conveys that attachment for the things you ‘grow’ and take pride in. Super Mario Sunshine took classic principles of platforming adventure along with a child-like appreciation of water as both a tool and a plaything. Now, with the Wii Remote, I have the opportunity to create all new ways of interacting with the subjects of my games. I’m hoping to use the controller speaker, rumble, and motion tracking to full effect and faithfully reproduce the joy and immersion I found in killing a man just to watch him die. You’ll find it is an amazing experience.”
On the subject of Nintendo versus its competitors, Miyamoto was outspoken and adamant about their place in the industry. “It is not accurate to say we are competing. While we seek to enrich and uplift a person with our arts, Sony’s soulless minions simply mine the medium for profit. They chase out and drag back the same ideas and titles, like a dog fetching a stick.” He chuckled and made an exaggerated pawing gesture and barking sound, adding, “How fitting, too, that they live like dogs. Soon, they will die like them.” Laughing, he made a prancing movement and a sad howling sound, then drove a jewel-encrusted dagger through his own hand for effect.
When asked his opinion on the recent turbulence in Sony structure, including the demotion of former President Ken Kutaragi, the father of Mario shared a last friendly guffaw; “Wherever Ken stepped down to, I hope it is ground-floor,” he said. “Fucker’s not so good with stairs no more.”
Hi folks, Cooper Hawkes here:
Today is December 18, 2006. In seven days it will be Christmas morning, when millions of gamers will be opening their tired little eyes after playing marathon WoW, or Gears of War, or SOCOM games the night before. They will wipe the sleep crust from their eyes, and hope, pray, maybe even sacrifice a small part of their souls in the foolish hope that under the Christmas tree will be a PS3 and/or a Wii.
I am not one of those people. Yes, I consider myself a gamer. I find myself playing Gears of War more than what is probably healthy. I have also recently picked up Assault Heroes, and I cannot get it out of my grubby hands. (Note to Microsoft: Games like Roboblitz and Assault Heroes are what I want in my Xbox Live Arcade.)
I look at the price of the PS3, and to a lesser extent the Wii, and I just can't imagine putting out the money for it. This is the problem with console ownership. Since we have three companies vying for our attention (and our wallets), and since I am married with a kid, my personal time to even try to game has diminished to the point of near nonexistent. Throw in a job that has me working 60 hours a week, and that takes away nearly all of my time. (This last sentence should explain, as I haven't posted the past couple of weeks.)
More after the jump...
Continue reading "The Flaming Sword #19: Goodwill towards men"
Column , Editorial , ROFL , Wii
This thrown-Wii-remote issue is a sticky one.
Or more accurately, an excessively lubricated one that would benefit from some adhesive functionalities.
Seriously, people, this has got to stop. I posit the following towards you as evidence:
Rob has thrown a Wii remote. “Wii is weak,” you say? I propose an alternate hypothesis to a situation. Wii is not weak. Rob is fucking insane. In a cartoon-ized game about gently swinging a tennis racket via a several-ounce plastic wand, Rob hurled this small piece of polymers and circuits like a goddamn shot put. Watch this video. Watch a situation in which a man would simply need to wave a device lightly overhead as if a French maid were dusting a ceiling fan, and watch that situation degenerate as his greased palm catapults his Wiimote from his body in a downright Yeageresque attempt at breaking the sound barrier with a plastic toy.
As this crisis reaches such epidemic levels that throwing one’s Wiimote is topic of its own newsblog, I have to ask myself this question: When so many people in so many places are suffering from the same catastrophic new disease, would it really be fair of me to admonish them for their own parts in these incidents?
Yes. Yes, it is. It is and I am. You’re all stupid. Quit it.
This ‘problem’ is absurd beyond absurd. The publicity and hand-holding that results from a psycho throwing a $50 piece of merchandise at a $500* one is obscene. With morons left and right getting attention and credibility as they blame Nintendo for their own lack of bodily controls, it’s a wonder we aren’t giving trophies and websites to peolpe who shit their pants and write to Old Navy about it.
There is already an abundance of phallic iconography to be associated with this vibrating plastic rod we use to play our new video games. It isn’t helping our case that people are apparently lathering themselves up in Jergens before handling it.
I don’t know what else to express here, people. I have played Wii. I have loved Wii. I actually have logged in more hours in Tennis than most RPGs. Despite the addictive nature of this very exciting and energetic pastime, I have not once suffered from any explosive episodes of spasmodic retardry that would force me to propel my Wiimote in any Goliath-slaying fashion. No person in my presence has done so. The greatest injuries I have witnessed consisted of a whack to the forehead during a zealous swing and a bruise to my thumb when my bowling swing clipped the cellphone in my pocket.
Nintendo has been fast to respond, saying that people are getting a little ‘too excited’ as they play and furnishing the AU launch with mightier straps. The well-oiled machine that is Nintendo’s PR is second only to the well-oiled and perhaps frictionless palms of its greasy-limbed detractors.
If you have smashed home appliances with a greasily flung Wiimote, there is something wrong with you. If you are looking forth right now towards a broken television screen with half a Wiimote sticking out of a gaping, cracked wound, I suggest you look a little closer. Gaze into that broken television, and you will see the reflection of an idiot.
Column , Editorial , Politics , ROFL
Welcome to another edition of Game Randy: Dubious News, presenting you with the finest in exclusive, breaking stories that might be true but probably aren’t.
As reported last week, Utah Representative David Hogue made a successful push to pass his sponsored bill regarding the sale of ‘Material Harmful to Minors.’ The outstanding factor in this proposal is the unique approach of defining and classifying the ‘harmful content’ of video games by the same standards and setups as pornography. For this reasons, the media has dubbed this the “Games-as-Porn” bill.
“I very seriously think that we need to push this forward and find if we’re going to have a challenge or not and have the attorney general fight those battles,” said Hogue. He went on to support his position, adding, “I know for a fact and can say without exaggeration or hyperbole that every single taxpayer in America knows that the luscious irony of Master Chief blasting an alien Covenant Elite with his allies’ own plasma rifle is precisely equal to Ron Jeremy nailing five bimbos at once, if not several hundred times worse.”
Several days upon the approval of this bill, however, it was discovered that faulty wording within the bill radically changes its scope and application. In what district clerks refer to as ‘a spectacularly unlikely string of coherent typos,’ the Utah bill effectively forces video games to subject to the same standards and judgments of certain departments of agriculture. Specifically, all entertainment software is now managed and classified as corn.
Continue reading "Game Randy: Utah Clerical Error Results in Games-as-Corn Legislation"
* Taxing Australian Gamers
* Krome Studios acquires Melbourne House
* eGames Convention
* Wii Virtual Console
* Wii road show
* 100,000 Xbox 360
* Pink is the New Black
* The Infamous Top 10
* Upcoming Releases
Continue reading "DU Report - Issue 4"
Hi folks, Cooper Hawkes here, and boy am I pissed. The sword is sharpened, the flames are lit, so sit back, group a smoke, or a scotch, or a Red Bull, or whatever your poison is, and read on.
When I first wanted to get into writing, I remember something that Stephen King once said in an interview, which was that if you want to write, you have to read. You have to read as much as you can so you know the right way, and the wrong way to do things. Smart advice. So when I started doing podcasts I took that advice to heart, and I try to listen to as many different podcasts as I can in a given week. I sometimes miss one or two, but on a whole, I’m pretty consistent with my listening habits. Today, for example, I listened to the OPM and OXM podcast for my drive home.
Continue reading "The Flaming Sword #18: OPM, OXM, WTF?!?!?"
On November 17th, 2006, Sony will let the PLAYSTATION 3 escape from its theoretical chains that held it in stasis for nearly 6 years, and put it into the hands of approximately 400,000 North American citizens. According to Wikipedia, Canada and the United States have a combined population of 328,539,175. Assuming that 5% are gamers, that leaves 16,426,958. Meaning that there’s going to be at least 16 million disappointed people come November 18th.Continue reading "The Flaming Sword #17: Good Morning Campers!"
Hey All! So it’s that time again for a round up of the news that happens Down Under. Recently, we have seen the release of the Black DS Lite, the launch of 2 new television programs about Gaming and Tech, and the Australian MS Boss having his say on Sony. More After the Jump.
Continue reading "DU Report 3"
Column , Editorial , Featured Stories , Huh?
Best headline ever. Thank God there's no limit on that box. You can't make this stuff up, people.
Don't mistake this for another funny bit of fake news like my last piece; Sony summoning demonic chipsets is fake news. Jack Thompson is non-news. The commonality therein is that they are both spasmodically hilarious.
That's right, folks, I came back from a couple days 'away from keyboard,' as the kids call it, to find this shimmering nugget emerging from my inbox. My day sparkled with joy from moment my eyes met the return address, and I was giddy as a little girl by the time I finished the last words.
Come, gentle reader, and enjoy it with me.
Dear George:
I read your rather bizarre letter in Electronic Gaming Monthly. I guess you computer types don't think we lawyers can read.
Couple of things you got wrong, Ace:
1. I never said you "were employed by Take-Two Interactive." Never said it, never wrote it, because I never thought it. You've got 15 days, under Florida law, to produce to me, by return email, the letter in which I said you "were employed by Take-Two" or I'll take legal action against you. Check out Florida law on that, if you can read a statute book.
2. You did not want a humane exchange. You wanted to mock me. That was what the flowers were for, and even Electronic Gaming Monthly figured it out. How is it that you are the only one who "got it?" The fact is, you thought this was some sort of joke. Sorry, this issue is not a joke. I've sat with families who are smaller in number because some gamer jerk like you became immersed in a very violent entertainment modality and it made an impact on him.
This stuff is not funny, George. You don't get to define what my concerns are and belittle them with some stunt.
You've got 15 days. Jack Thompson
Ooh! Ad hominems! I'll tell you, Jack, that stuff does still get a chuckle out of me, but it's really about time you retired your old material. You can't keep banking laughs on nostalgia, no matter how classic it is.
So... I need to show you your own stupid press release, which I found thirteen seconds after I read this letter, and then send it back to you with a clutter of dictionary definitions, or else in fifteen days you'll crawl out of your well, through my television, and devour my soul?
As soon as this stops being really funny, it'll start getting really old. In fact, I think it's getting old already. Go to the jump or the full article link to read my response.
Continue reading "Enraged Jack Thompson Writes Press Release, Forgets It, Sues Me Eight Months Later Over Letter in a Magazine From Five Weeks Ago That Refers To His Press Release From Eight Months Ago, Something About Florida Law, and the Precious Gift of Literacy"
Welcome to another edition of Game Randy: Dubious News, presenting you with the finest in exclusive, breaking stories that might be true but probably aren’t.
Ken Kutaragi stunned, shocked, and generally worried the industry today with his announcement that, in the wake of the PlayStation 3’s launch fiascos, Sony is already designing the PlayStation 4 chipset to be produced in larger quantities for significantly less cost using high-efficiency rituals of demonic alchemy.
“The improved Infernal Engine processor will give the PlayStation 4 the capacity to render graphics so lifelike that normal viewers will be coerced into performing unspeakable deeds by expertly-rendered apparitions of their deceased friends and family,” Kutaragi explained. “PS4 units will ship and sell at no loss to us, even at launch. The process of manufacture, though damning the eternal souls of all those who witness it, is a fraction of the cost of the prohibitive and inefficient Blu-ray diodes and Cell processors of the PS3. In fact, I’m not sure what the hell we were thinking with those.”
In a powerpoint presentation narrated by Kaz Hirai, it was explained how the chip-assembly process makes optimum use of the bonded souls of lost children to fabricate its high-speed architecture. “The processor itself is ethereally bound to that incomprehensible darkness that lurks within us all,” expounded Hirai. “Materials cost is reduced from the previous array of silicon, copper, and assembly line whatnot by manufacturing directly from a hellish forge hewn from tainted marble by chisels of defiled bones.”
Gesturing to a complicated diagram connecting Dante’s various levels of Hell to startup routines, Hirai continued, “It is only once the console is activated that the user will truly begin to ‘pay the price,’ as it were,” he said, laughing somewhat jovially, “The intangible ectoplasmic talons of the PS4 chipset will immediately begin to burrow into the immortal soul of whatever condemned fool that dared to touch it. There they will coil deeper and deeper, sealing the consumer’s eternal fate for massive damage. Only on the day of the product end-user’s divine judgement will their folly be apparent. Woe unto ye players, for thy greatest sin this will truly be.”
“All launch titles will be 1080p compatible,” Kutaragi added.
Column , Editorial , Featured Stories , Huh? , Nerd Related Goodness
Sitting down, there is nothing but hushed conversations. The crowd moves quickly, efficiently, almost reverently to their seats. Like a family going to Sunday worship, they gather and talk mundane things, looking towards the curtain, eager for it to part.
Then, the orchestra enters, and takes their seats, a melodious wave of musical tunes softly whispers to the audience: “Almost time.”
Flutes whistle through scales, violins tune, then pluck, then soar with majestic reverberations. The crowd slowly seat themselves, the hushed conversations grow quieter by the minute, as the orchestra finishes clearing its collective throat, and the conductor walks in.
The lights dim, the crowd is silent, so silent that you can hear shoes making noise on a carpet, the conductor raises his baton, the curtains open, a voice booms:
Continue reading "The Flaming Sword # 16: Come hear the orchestra.."
PROS: Lush, immersive graphics, unique and enjoyable gameplay, epic storyline, intriguing puzzles, massive feel-good factor.
CONS: Some button mashing early on, digging mini-games frustratingly difficult (for me, anyway, but I never was any good at DigDug).
Anyone that knows me knows that I am a fan of Japanese culture and folklore. Most of our favorite video games (Katamari Damacy, Chibi Robo, Cubivore) come out of
More about Okami after the jump …
Continue reading "OKAMI: Unleash your inner wolf"
Attention: Before the lawyers have a field day with this may I remind you:
satire – noun
1. the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
2. a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
3. a literary genre comprising such compositions.
Thank you for reading. Those under 17 should now stop reading as the adult material version of The Flaming Sword will begin: NOW!
Hi folks, Cooper Hawkes here, mad as hell (which seems to be very often) and with some advice for all gamers out there. 
I am a geek. I was awkward in high school. I was picked on, laughed at, a date was something on the calendar and not something I did on a Friday or Saturday night. I was either hacking, or in computer chat rooms (Diversi-Dial, look it up) or some other mundane activity that didn’t involve a lot of in-the-flesh friends.
I took my share of beatings, gave some back, but mostly took it. It wasn’t till my junior year that I grew to a height that was a bit more intimidating to people, and I was able to live in a relative form of peace. I denied who I was in order to try to fit in, but by the end of the junior year, I threw caution to the wind and became myself.
Suddenly I was dating, I was more confident, more at ease in my skin. It sucked, and yes, I will be the first to admit that the idea of either taking my own life, or the lives of my oppressors, crossed my mind many an occasion.
The difference between me and the fucktard from Montreal is: I didn’t, because I knew this was only a temporary problem, not a lifetime one.
Continue reading "The Flaming Sword #15: Stand Up or Get Out."
I’d like to focus inward a bit for this edition of the Pixelante Nationalist. Not introspection and personal revelation, oh God no. I mean industry internal politics. And by that I mean I have to get some elucidating commentary out of my system and into yours.
In the wake of Sony’s enlightening “we have no idea what the hell we’re doing” announcement last week, Nintendo stepped up to a few major news sites to say that they had some exciting news of their own. This news was hush-hush until exactly 12:01 am Thursday morning, when they finally and officially dropped this bombshell:
“Everything is on schedule. Nintendo is very happy.”
Stop the presses. Jesus Christ. Nintendo? Schedule? Happy? Very?
On?! Good lord, on?
I ask you, Nintendo, how in the hell I’m supposed to get any sleep with this revelation weighing so heavily on my shoulders...
Continue reading "Wii60, and That Shiny, Nintendo-Promoting Beacon That We Call Sony"
Disclaimer: Yes, I am a fanboy. No, that doesn't mean I can't think straight. Fanboyism and extreme fanboyism are two different things. I'm not a blind, extreme fanboy. Thanks for your time. Read on.
When was I supposed to do this column? Yeah, a very, very long time ago. I apologize for the delay, but here I am, ready to show you what the Xbot is made of.
Today, I'm going to show you an estimated price point comparison between the PlayStation 3 and the Xbox 360. I'm going to ignore Nintendo completely, and just do an all out console war comparison between the two behemoths of the console wars. And, I'll tell you right now, a lot of you are going to disagree with me, a lot of you will agree with me. I'll be called a fanboy, I'll be labeled a genius, maybe I'll be ripped to pieces by you folks. But I'm not afraid to face the fact that the console wars are coming.
I want to share my opinions with you, be them fanboyish or not. If you don't want to hear them, you don't care, you think I'm stupid, then don't follow the jump. But if you have a slight bit interest in what I have to say, go ahead.
Continue reading "Xbot 360 #1: This Is Waiting!"
Okay, so I really don't have time to post anything today, but I ran across a news article that caught my attention and I just had to throw up one last irlGirl before I leave for three weeks of desert livin'.
We all know that just because you see a girl in an MMO doesn't mean that the person behind that sexy bod is actually female.
Rather than spending the time to analyze this phenomenon, which would take time, I'm throwing it out to you in the comment section.
Read the article and the thoughts on why irlBoys play girls after the jump...
Continue reading "irlGirl Super Lite: Yo Shore Gots Uh Perty Mouth..."
Hi folks, Cooper Hawkes here responding to a couple of requests and officially announcing:
Ask a Hawkes
I give full credit to Bert for coming up with this idea. After seeing the AllGames.com chat room getting positive about the idea, I figured: What the hell.
So here’s how it’s going to work: Starting today, I will accept e-mail with the subject line: "Ask a Hawkes" In the body of the e-mail, you can ask me ANY gaming related question that’s on your mind. The questions can be as complex as: “Do you feel that the market is going to shift in Microsoft’s favor?” down to the as simple as: “PS3, Online, GO!”
Once I get enough e-mails, I will record a 1/2 hour mini podcast of sorts where I will reply to the e-mails in my own inimitable fashion. Hopefully I’ll be able to do at least 5 e-mails a podcast, but depending on my temperament, I may take a whole “show” just on one.
No gaming subject is taboo, no question will go unanswered. (As long as I’m not getting 1000 e-mails a day that is.) After the first show, I will open it up a bit, and give listeners a chance to respond to my rants. This will be done via audio only, no e-mail rant replies please!
So if this sounds like a good idea to you, if there’s a question you have been burning to ask, but haven’t caught me on Xbox Live, or been able to reach the Live show, here’s your chance.
Send all e-mails to hawkes@GamerAndy.com, remember to make the subject "Ask a Hawkes"
Let’s see if this works.
Semper Fi!
As if irlGirls can get even shorter and lighter.
Since I probably won't have time to give you a full irlGirl again this week (hey, irlGirl also has an irlJob... duh!), I'm once again going "lite."
Next week: irlGirl Ultra-Lites, 100s and special Turkish blend.
But seriously, this came up between my husband and me last week over breakfast at our favorite Sunday morning diner. He cruises the newspaper ads while I read the rest of the paper.
He looked up from his beloved Best Buy circular and noted that next-gen games cost around $60.
"Yeah?" I said, "and the internet is a series of tubes..."
"No, seriously," he replied. "Think about it. When the PS2 came out, games were $30 to $40... maybe $45. Now they're $60, and when the PS3 debuts figure those will be around $75 to $85 each. Games are actually getting MORE expensive."
"Depressing, m'love, but it makes sense," I said. "They take more money to make now. Just a depressing fact of life."
And then he made a very interesting observation. One I cannot argue with, and one that makes me want game prices to go sky-high. I'm talking $100 to $200 each. I want them to be so expensive they hurt your teeth. I want them so expensive your grandkids won't be able to afford college.
Why?
I'll tell you after the jump....
Continue reading "irlGirl Lite: Mo Money, No Problem!"
Again, short and sweet is the name of the game for irlGirl this week.
There's very few things that surprise me on the internet these days. Make me laugh? Sure. Upset me? Heck yeah.
But rarely to I find something that so disturbs me that I actually start interrupting the stream saying, "Oh, he's not going to say that? Wait. He is going to say that? OH MY F-ING GOD! HE SAID IT!"
That was my reaction upon watching a recent clip of the Daily Show with Jon Stewart discussing congressional hearings on video-game violence.
If you haven't seen it, and it's pretty much old news now, here it is. And, might I add, if you have seen it, it's worth seeing again. Take note of the quote from Congressman Joseph Pitts (R-PA):
Now Pitts is pissed. Let's discuss briefly.
More after the jump...
Continue reading "irlGirl Lite: What I Said Was Not What I Meant"
Gaming isn’t what it used to be. But rather than yearn for the good ol’ days of cartridges, RF mods and joysticks, I look forward to new innovations in gaming, innovations that will change not just what the games themselves look like but how we game. 
No, gaming isn’t what it used to be and I, for one, say a hearty “Halle-freakin-lujah!!” Ever since my gaming roots were firmly planted in the arcades of the late 70’s, I’ve wanted to know what was going to come next. A self-professed digital junkie, new developments in gadgetry and technology are my drug, one that I can’t help jonesin’ for. I’m not sure where that comes from, since my siblings are about as tech savvy as the Flintstones.
Unfortunately, too often the lack of expendable cash keeps me from experiencing the joy of “new console smell” with my fellow gamers. Our consoles (SNES, PSOne and the sharing of a ‘Cube and a PS2) have come into my hot little hands through the generosity of friends and loved ones. I don’t have a big fancy-schmancy TV to play games on, either … we play on a 12 year old 25” Toshiba that doesn’t even support S-Video, thank you very much … so when I hear that a game looks awesome on a ginormous TV with Uber-HiDef, I tend start chanting “It’s about the gameplay” over and over to talk myself down.
Now, I could be pessimistic and focus on how woefully out-of-date my gaming consoles are. However, I prefer to be optimistic (naïve?) and reason that by waiting a reasonable amount of time after release, I’ll eventually be able to get a NextGen console without having to sell off my kids (though that idea appeals to me more and more each day).
Continue reading "The Digital Sandbox #4: NextGen Family Gaming"
Continue reading "DU Report - Issue 2"
This isn't a real irlGirl, in that it's too short. Thus I've dubbed it irlGirl Lite. All the bile, half the space.
We at GamerAndy haven't really covered this issue, but it merits notice -- particularly today.
Last year, Sony announced it would be releasing the PSP in ceramic white.
Old news.
Then last month, Sony busted out with its print ads for the new white PSP in the Netherlands. And the fur began to fly.
More after the jump...
Continue reading "irlGirl Lite: White the New Black?"
Today it became official: Call of Duty 3 will release November 17th, 2006. It will come out for the Nintendo Wii, the Xbox 360, and is a Launch Title for the PlayStation 3.
With it’s release, comes the answer all non-fanboys want to know: Which system is better? It sounds crazier than it seems, but since the game is technically the same across the consoles, (save for graphics downgrade and controller functionality on the Wii) the final tally from reviewers should be quite interesting.
Continue reading "The Flaming Sword #13: Cross Platform Crazy"
If you listen to the podcast then you'll know that it's no secret that I really dislike Half Life 2. My reasons? I found HL2 to be a boring game.
It's just that City 17 or Waterways were really quite bland and boring, the gameplay when battling enemies or completing puzzles was really quite repetitive, and it had a lack of information from the story that just had me asking, "Why am I taking this journey and gaming experience with Gordon Freeman?" just a little too frequently.
Which brings me to the purpose of this article.
I took the dive into Valve's episodic content.
More after the jump...
Continue reading "Episodic Rant Part 1 - Half Life: Episode One"
Hey there, folks. Sherveen Mashayekhi here, welcoming you to Xbot 360 - what is "Xbot 360", you ask?
The latest and greatest column addition to GamerAndy.com, you can tell by the name that I'll be writing the column, of course. I'm ready to give you, the dear Gamer Andy reader, my opinions and views on the various subjects that pass through the gaming world. I'm ready to tell you what I'm thinking, why I'm thinking it, and how I'm thinking about it. Expect an Xbot to tell you how he sees the ever-evolving 360 degrees of the gaming industry. We're getting into rough times here, the console wars are heating up, but in the end, it's all about the games. And we're all about being gamers.
So, fellow gamers, look forward to the future, look forward to hearing from a fellow gamer. This is Xbot 360, signing out.
Game on!
Column , Featured Stories
Does the State of Louisiana hate gamers?
There are two schools of thought on this; the first answer is a "Yes" with an S.
The second answer is a "Yes" with a long-winded explanation.
...you can see where this is going.
Over the last many weeks, this state in particular has gone leaps and bounds past the competition in the race for ultimate game-legislating blunders, much to the bewilderment of non-residents and the aggravated disdain of taxpaying editorialists.
I find it all morbidly entertaining, perhaps even deserving of an acerbic narrative; In a state ravaged by natural disaster and controversy, only a few chosen men had the courage to stand up and do something about those damned evil video games.
This is their story.
Continue reading "Louisiana legislature puts the 'Stupid' back in 'Stupid Louisiana Legislature'"
Maybe it’s because I’m unemployed.
I can’t really define the symptom, I just know the results: My passion for gaming has diminished over the past couple of weeks. That isn’t to say I’m not having a great time when I do game: I’ve just started playing “Rockstar Games Presents: Table Tennis” and I’m having a blast (Full Review coming soon.) However with the amount of free time I’m left with, I figured my grubby hands wouldn’t leave a controller without prying.
And yet, here we are, a life long gamer feeling as though my gaming just doesn’t seem so important in the grand scheme. My daily routine use to be simple: Get up, eat, shower, get son ready for school, play with him, take him to school, go to work, work my ass off, come home, eat, play with my son, bathe him, read to him, play some games, snuggle with the wife and go to sleep.
Sixteen little steps thrown into disarray over the loss of only three of them, I finally understand why “Rainman” would freak out when he didn’t watch “The People’s Court” at 4:30pm.
To me, gaming was my reward, a way to sum up the day, get my frustrations out, and perhaps go to a fun, action packed world where I can make a difference in ways I can’t in this one. Yes it’s egotistical in some respects, masturbatory in others, but it’s the way I roll, and I doubt I’m the only one that games that way. My point is, that when a gift, a reward is now available for you on demand, it suddenly feels less relevant, or like I haven’t really earned my gaming time.
Continue reading "The Flaming Sword #12: The Passion of the Hawkes"
The other day I was, against my will, watching Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible III. It's fairly standard Hollywood action movie pablum, except for Philip Seymour Hoffman's performance as Owen Davian. Also, it's worth noting that, had he worn a dark shirt to the Vatican, the IMF plan would have been screwed. So much rests on what you wear, which is why I choose to go nude all the time.
More disturbing personal revelations after the jump!
(Sound of readers leaving the site.)
Continue reading "Popcorn and Polygons #6"
I wonder if they were fired?
No one that we would ever really know about, just some poor schmuck who had the misfortune of posting new Xbox Live features in the Microsoft Knowledge base before it was ready. Two days later, the official announcement went out, I think more out of mercy rather than plan.
This had the unfortunate effect of exciting every Xbox Live user around the world. Multiple downloads? Improved playback of content? Cleaner way of finding your Marketplace items? Keeping your music playing between different games? Who wouldn’t be. It’s a great update, and one that was promised “sometime next week.”
Alas, next week came and went, without an update. It would also appear that I was the only one not surprised by this particular development. Or perhaps you haven’t seen the blood in the forums of Xbox.com, or in the comments of Major Nelson. The Internet has the unfortunate ability of turning the most timid person in “Real Life (RL)” into the most vicious complainer in “Virtual Life (VL)”.
Anonymity is like alcohol, you get enough of it, and you’re saying whatever you want, sense is (frequently) optional of course.
Continue reading "The Flaming Sword #11: Police Ourselves"
Yes, I still call Microsoft the Dark Side, and I will continue to do so until I'm in my grave and my shrivled lips curl up and separate from my skull.
Get over it. I'm a Mac junkie and that ain't gonna change... ever! I lived through the post-DOS system wars of the 1980s -- and the patent violation lawsuits by Apple -- and that scarred me. I lived through more buggy, insecure iterations of Windows of the 90s-- and the bundling lawsuits -- and that scarred me even more deeply. I lived through the Netscare/Explorer wars -- and I saw the bodies of good developers who ended up on the losing side and the ensuing ravages of virus-plagued corporations who were brought to a screeching halt by security backdoors in Explorer. Now I can no longer speak of the angry behemoth of Microsoft without gritting my teeth. So, as long as there is a Steve Jobs, I will despise Bill Gates.
That being said, I've now spent three weeks with my XBox 360, purchased on my way home from E3. Literally, I tried the PS3, considered the pricetag, and as Andy, John and I were driving home from Los Angeles, I made them stop at Fry's Electronics to buy an XBox.
During these three weeks, I've spent a lot of time coming to terms with my feelings. I'm lamenting the demise of my Playstation days. I've been processing my frustration and sadness from being abandoned by the one non-MS company I truly believed -- despite it super-proprietary culture -- owned gaming (and wasn't Nitendo).
I know that sounds hyperbolic, but it's a very accurate description. It was a very personally demoralizing defeat to buy an XBox, and it has taken much time for me to warm to the idea that I could have pinned my hopes on such an erroneous conclusion about Sony.
I've also spent many hours of quality time using the XBox 360. I have been mostly silent about my thoughts because... and I'll be frank... I had to get over my resentment that it was a Microsoft product before I could truly comment on how I liked it. Why? Because for the first two weeks, I hated it... not because it wasn't good but because it was Microsoft's. And that wasn't fair to either Microsoft or you, gentle reader.
But now that the dust has settled and I've gotten used to the idea that I'm now a gamertag-carrying member of the XBox community (and my toes no longer curl when I say so), I can finally give you my thoughts on what I really think about the XBox -- its goods and bads -- and why, now that I've significantly played with one, I think Sony is deader than Bambi's mother.
More after the jump...
Continue reading "irlGirl: Review of The Dark Side"
Since I’m a lazy slug that enjoys sleeping in on the weekends, I usually wake up to the sound of my kids arguing over how they need to be quiet or they will wake me up. Yes, the irony in that is totally lost on them.
For the most part, I end up sleeping late on the weekends because I gamed late into the night before. I’m a natural born night owl and I have had to change sleep patterns to fit my elementary school work schedule. On the weekends and vacations, though, all bets are off. To compound this problem, living with two teenagers means the TV and the consoles are monopolized during the day so, really, nights are my only chance to get my game on in peace and quiet.
I know, the title of this column would suggest that I game with my kids all the time and, if I didn’t, it might just rip the fabric of out little family apart. Not so. There are several interesting interpersonal dynamics I’ve noticed that occur whenever a video game is fired up in our house, some of which I’m not exactly proud.
Continue reading "The Digital Sandbox #3: The family that games together ..."
Since no one likes beating a dead horse more than me, I'm going to continue arguing my case to stop movies being made into games and vice versa.
Due to bad planning, and also my brother being a fink and stealing the car, I ended up spending last night at home. Normally during this time of year I'd catch an NBA playoff game, but the Cavs game was over, and the most boring team is basketball, the San Antonio Spurs, was forcing my beloved Mavericks to play a slow paced, half-court, narcolepsy inducing game. Having been abandoned by my two typical means of evening entertainment, I decided to take a jaunt through my video game collection and see what grabbed me. I ended up popping The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction into my Xbox, and I managed to finish the game in a few hours. I'm convinced it's one of if not the greatest superhero games ever.
Continue reading "Popcorn and Polygons #5"
I had no idea that the big guy walking my way was going to punch me in the face.
It was dramatic yes, and completely unexpected, and before it happened I was actually in a pretty good (read: drunk) mood. The funny part was that it really didn’t hurt, since I had successfully murdered many brain cells that night by imbuing in a concoction that someone called an “Ohhh I’m dyyyying.” This particular concoction was named after Bugs Bunny’s incredulous exclamation of having to take a penguin all the way to the North Pole. The ingredients of this concotion were a mixture of whatever was found lying around.
But I digress.
Anyway with said alcoholic beverage running through my body, the pain from the punch was nearly non-existent, and I probably wouldn’t have fallen over if it wasn’t for the vibration. See when you are particularly drunk, you can feel all the fluids in your body as they move around. It can be off putting in that condition, but anyway, when the punch hit, I felt all the liquids in my body kind of swirl around the way a wine conasuir swirls a glass of wine before tasting. I lost my equilibrium and landed flat on my ass.
This was exactly the sensation I felt when Edie and Kyle told me they were buying Xbox 360’s.
Continue reading "The Flaming Sword #10: What now Sony?"
UPDATE: Re-check the Microsoft Section, I neglected to explain why I gave a low score on something I thought was amazing.
I have now watched all three press conferences, and I am now going to speak my mind about it. To those that are fanboys of any of the consoles, go elsewhere, because at best you’ll get a giggle out of when I slaughter one console, but you may not like it when I get to yours.
Continue reading "The Flaming Sword #9: E3's done, who won?"
Continue reading "View from an Outspoken Gamer #9: The One about E3 2006 (DUH!)"
in·teg·ri·ty
n.
1. Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.
2. The state of being unimpaired; soundness.
3. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.
For anyone that puts the word “journalist” anywhere near their job description, this is a very important word. It’s easily defined, yet not so easily acted upon. Time and time again a journalist has to present news, whether it affects them on a personal level or not, as unbiased as possible. Lately, it’s been getting harder to find a journalist with this particular distinction.
Continue reading "The Flaming Sword #8: Journalistic Integrity"
Continue reading "View from an Outspoken Gamer #8: The One about E3 Excitement"
When Santa dropped off a PlayStation for my kids in 2002, I had no idea I would have such a hard time buying appropriate games for us to play together.
This simple act of generosity got me back into gaming after an extended absence (1984 – 2003) brought on by putting myself through college, getting married to someone that didn’t game and raising kids on my own. Yeah, there’s not much disposable income when you’re raising two kids alone and working as a freelance artist (and then a starting teacher) living in rural
Sadly, standing in the Toys ‘R Us video game department a few days later, I realized I had become an outsider to the world whose inception I witnessed. Because I had been out of the gaming world for so long, I found I had no relevant experience with the technology that had been developed since.
All my gaming had been of the 2D variety and while I was gone, video games had drastically changed. The only news I had heard while incommunicado during the 90’s was of the strident political variety, the stuff that later on becomes a Lifetime movie and causes legislation to be adopted.
Now, before I go much further, let me say that I had always been a sane, rational person. I’ve never been accused of being what most people would call conservative. I believe in personal freedoms and in the government staying out of people’s business. Growing up in New England, I always lived by
Continue reading "The Digital Sandbox #2: A parent's take on the ESRB"
So, I'm just some guy. 
It's been almost a year now since I had the idea for a website, and really it was little more than a joke. I've had conversations with Tim over at The Widget about how both our respective projects were supposed to pretty much be fun for a summer and then retreat into the realm of "Hey that was fun, but now I have school to do". July of 2005 if you had told me that a website charged with little more than distributing my highly suspect opinion would less than a year later grant me the power to schlep a total of 8 friends to what is arguably the mecca of gaming bliss, i'd have laughed at you in my squirrely (Sometimes described as transvestite-esque) giggle and dismissed it as... Well, bullshit.
So believe me when I say this to you:
I am shocked to be able to write this column
Why? Because the thought behind it, the inspiration and subject is how to break into the videogame industry the GamerAndy.com way. As in, how I"m doing it. I don't claim to have done it yet, but I'll be damned if there aren't people out there who have been convinced by themselves or others that I have enough pull with their target market to offer me a job in the business I love so much.
And that's just this month... Wait til after e3....
So I understand this column isn't for everyone, and if you're not interested then please check out some of our other content.... Hawkes' column "The Flaming Sword" is not really a bar in the castro (gay joke) but is in fact a suprisingly refreshing look at events through the eyes of the jaded guy I call a friend.
But if you're interested in some of the behind-the-scenes stuff that goes on at an up-and-coming player in the wild world of videogames and the false prophets who details its evolution, I welcome you.
As a fellow Outsider
Continue reading "The Outsider #2: Humble Beginnings"
Just when you thought it was safe to put on your reading glasses again, I return with a flash and bang worthy of Houdini. “But Lewis,” you cry, “where were you? We missed our semi-regular dose of belligerence and debauchery! It did us good to know that there are people more bombastic and deluded that us.” Well, the reason for my absence is probably not what you are thinking – I wasn’t, for example, taken hostage by a gang of Playmates and forced to be their love slave or called to defend the free world from evil foreigners with Armani suits and unpleasant goatees. Nor had I gone undercover, infiltrating a secret government conspiracy, risking life and limb to bring the truth to the people. No, the real reason I’ve been absent from the headlines of Gamer Andy is that I bought Ninja Gaiden Black, and it’s been consuming my soul. That and the whole thing about wanting to pass my finals.
Continue reading "Popcorn and Polygons #4"
After a long hiatus -- partially my fault -- irlGirl is back behind the keyboard and pounding away. Glad to be back.
Before I left, I mentioned that my next topic would deal with sex and games. And lo, it does.
Many more eloquent writers have tackled the subject of sexual content in games, and let's face it, they've done a far better job than I could.
I'm not talking about content, though. I'm talking about sex. As in getting down to brass tacks and doin' the nasty.
It's happening. Right now. As I type this. As you read this. People are doing the horizontal limbo directly because of video games.
It was just a matter of time before MMOs became the dating services of the gamer nation. But is dating someone you met in-game a good idea?
Continue reading "irlGirl: Sex, Lies, and Videogames"